DEALING WITH DIFFERENCES 2

Weeks ago, we started looking at the series DEALING WITH DIFFERENCES. We discovered that difference in spending habits could affect a relationship. Though it took me a while to continue this series –for which I apologize- here is another factor that can affect our relationship and/or our home.

LIFE GOALS

Simply put, your life goal(s) is what you want out of life: what you hope to achieve and what you want your life to amount to in the end. If you fast-forward your life to when you are 70, 80 or 90, what do you see? How would you want your life to be then?

Most of you might think that this is pretty straightforward; who wants to spend their life with someone who doesn’t want the same life as they do or one that is closest at the least? I know (for a fact) that there are people in committed relationships with someone who does not share their view and perspective about life and the way they want to live it.

What we are talking about here is not shared hubbies or interests but dreams and desires. Imagine a man whose desire is to support everyone in his community with the resources and opportunities to get a better life. He struggled to get all he acquired today and he hopes that someday he would make it easier for someone else to achieve their dream. This man falls in love with someone who does not believe it is her responsibility to cater for anyone outside her immediate family. She believes all her hard work is an inheritance for her children and anyone else will be just fine if they worked as hard. These two individuals have good philosophies but they should not ideally start a family together unless one of them is willing to give up their dream.

This ‘life goals thing’ is real tricky. It covers how we want to raise our kids, where we want to live, how we want to live out our gray years and sometimes how we want to die and so much more. The challenge is you could want something in your twenties and not want it in your thirties, forties or even seventies. Something could have happened that made you change your perspective. Maybe your dreams were probably unrealistic and life has taught you what you want.  One thing is certain; everyone is allowed to change. So, what do you do if you started a life with someone with the same goal as you and later they changed their mind and preference? That is a tough one and we will get to it later.

WHAT TO DO……? WHAT TO DO……?

Your partner is someone you want with you for life (I hope). When your kids are gone to live their independent lives, when you have retired, when you are old and gray, that person is who you chose to walk through the rest of your life. Imagine how frustrating it will be for you if all you are doing is arguing whether to travel or not to, to start a study group or relocate to the suburbs; this can be easily avoided.

While you are considering a choice of a partner, it is advisable to discuss: what you both want out of life, how you would want to raise your kids (if they want kids in the first place), your dream job (if you do not have it yet), your plan for your retirement years, where you want to live and so on. While you are at it, throw in your plan for the next 5 to 10 years and try to find out what your partner wants too (I use partner because I do not know what label you have put on your relationship, it can be boyfriend, friend, fiancé etc).

It is also likely that you do not know what you might want in 3 decades or more, that’s totally understandable-life is a process of discovery and if you not know it now, you will know it soon or later (there are couple of books that could help you through this journey of self discovery, try to get them). You could decide to wait until you are sure of what you want out of life before you pick a life partner. Or you could come clean (if you are already ‘in love’) and let your partner know that you are on a journey of self-discovery, if you are lucky, he/she would want to go with you on that journey.

Now to the toughie, you are already married to the love of your life except he mostly does not want the same things you want or maybe you both wanted the same things but somehow your spouse has changed. I saw a TV program recently, this couple got married wanting almost the same things--they had a few issues to work out but for the most part, they wanted the same life—they had the same career, they shared a desire to live independent of parental pressure and they wanted a family together. About a year later, they suffered a huge loss-an unborn child. The woman took the loss pretty hard and decided to take up another job outside the city they lived, the husband hated the decision but he supported her anyway because she promised it was part time. Well, part-time became a year and a year became a change in life plan and a divorce suit.

What am I saying? As you would have guessed from the story, anything can change along the way. Now, I am not a fan of divorce, I come from a home where couples make things work. Therefore, I will not ask you to quit your marriage and walk away from your family. Secondly, I do not know you personally, nor am I aware of the difficulties you might be facing in your marriage or family. So, I am not in the best position to tell you what to do or suggest what will work but, I will suggest that you find a counselor or therapist closest to you and sort things out now before it gets out of hand.

LOVE?

I don't know the first thing about love.

I hear to love is to give.

So I asked: What am I to give?

If I gave you all I have acquired;

At the whiff of your endless desires,

But laced every gift with double meaning,

Has my love then been affirmed?

And if I hopelessly gave without intention,

But all my gestures failed in comparison to your expectation,

Is my love then inadequate?

How can I give when I am in need?

And if we all gave who then receives?

I don’t know a lot about loving.

They said love is ever forgiving;

Taking no record of wrong doing 

and seeking no revenge for transgressions.

Then I thought within myself:

Am I to ignore your lack of repentance

And welcome you into my confidence?

And if I forgave you of the hurt

But withhold my acts of kindness and warmth,

Is my love then justified,

What if I forgave you what I could,

But framed the memories of my wounds,

Would it be accounted unto me as love?

What if I loved but never forgave?

I do not really know,

So I ask rather than assume,

And they say,

To love is to share

To cut my portion in half

Mine is yours and yours is mine

To open up my habitation

My sacred world is now our sanctuary

So I began to wonder:

What if I unveiled my yesterday

And you shut the door on our tomorrow?;

The darkness of it’s reality,

Caused you to bury the hopes of our destiny.

What benefit then has sharing?

So many things they say about love;

To love is to be truly trusting,

To be patiently enduring.

They say love is to sacrifice;

Me for you and you for me,

A calling to be less of self.

I am unsure of what it all means,

I was once told love is friendship;

Equals walking in understanding,

A relationship built on loyalty,

Commitment, care and individuality,

Again I need clarity.

They say love is endless and without condition,

It is divine and void of contention

So many things people have to say, 

Oh so many things I wish I knew,

But forever the question remains,

What then is love?

All, a few, or none of these?

Don't ask me,

I only know what they said.

FORGIVE ME

Forgive me for letting my world revolve around you,

For thinking you were different and you would understand.

Forgive me for not seeing you in your true light,

For choosing to believe the outrage of your acts over the whispers of my heart.

Forgive me for dreaming my tomorrow with you firmly in it,

For hoping that the world I see will be a reality for you and me.

Forgive me for wanting to change the world for you,

For willing to go through every battle and war with you.

Forgive me for taking you at your word,

And believing every lie,

For accepting your rainbow of colours,

When all I could see was black and white.

Forgive me for putting you on a pedestal, a place no other man could touch,

And for believing in our tender moments and your soft touch .

Forgive me for believing in the simplicity of your heart,

For accepting your every flaw and knick knacks.

Forgive me for taking this long to see,

Just how very wrong you are for me.

For hoping for a miracle, 

Anything to keep you with me.

Forgive me for holding your dreams in my prayers,

And for delighting in those little glances of reassurance.

Forgive me if I choose not to stay,

To not dwell on the hurts that you have caused.

But I pray thee if you cannot forgive anything else,

Please forgive my heart, for it has strayed

Back to where it should have been…away from you

A poem by:

Love Happens Diary

QUESTIONS PEOPLE ASK

Hello LHD readers,

Lots of people have sent in their question and they would love your help in tackling the little challenges and issues they are presently facing in their relationship. You can add your opinion as a comment under this post, please indicate the question you are responding to. Kindly note that, as always, we keep the names of our readers anonymous unless they request otherwise. 

You ready? Let’s go!

QUESTION 1: 

Dear LHD,

“If the guy you are ‘involved with’ refuses to trust you and doesn’t even let you visit other guys, is it right to continue that kind of relationship?”

Answer

Life is full of people with their own issues. When we are choosing to be or remain in a relationship, it must be because we can both manage to live with each other’s issue. When we cannot, it is necessary to bring to an end the relationship.

If a guy does not trust you, it may be because he has trust issues, or feel insecure about you or your desire to spend time with other guys. Ask yourself, is there a way you conduct yourself around guys that he doesn’t like? Have you had something unpleasant to do with other guys in the past that you told him about and he still remembers? Is he uncomfortable because any of those other guys is interested in you?

If after being truthful to yourself you realize that it has nothing to do with you at all, and it is just him being jealous, high handed over protective self, there are 3 things you can do.

a. Talk to him sincerely about how you feel and give him an opportunity to speak also

b. Give him an opportunity to change without pressure from you.

c. If you have done the above and he hasn’t changed, then it might be time to end the relationship.

QUESTION 2:  

“Is it right to leave a person you love for another person because of money? If this person gives you the money you need to care for yourself, helps your parents financially and is also mature and serious for marriage?”

Answer There are many dilemmas in life and many of the options you face in life are not necessarily pleasant.

Your question has many possible answers.

Is it right to leave a person you love? Well the answer can be yes or no. it is “no” when the person loves you back, then love is built on the right assumption and decision, and you both plan to make the relationship permanent and have the potential to make that happen. However, if that is not the case and the relationship is not defined, and you both are unsure, then you are at liberty to leave upon a mutual agreement.

If it is because of money you are planning to leave, then you may need to pause a bit.

Ask yourself are there other qualities he has that are desirable to you and that you can live with?

 You mentioned he is mature and, serious.  I would like to ask; if he has all these qualities and you can relate with his maturity and seriousness, is it the type of relationship you want; does he have genuine interest in you beyond helping you, does he listen to you and you both have conversations about the future? Or he just sees you as a little girl he is making a wife out of?

If you can relate with him and he with you, and you choose to leave your first relationship then you can start another relationship with him.

QUESTION 3: 

“I have a friend who loved this girl so much that it was too obvious to everyone. He asked the girl but she started taking advantage of him and become demanding. She didn’t say yes or no to his request. What should he do?”

Answer 

Hmm, something is out of place in this picture. The boy loves and cares about the girl, and he is doing everything to convince her to do the same, unfortunately, it isn’t the same for the lady.

Life is full of choices and decisions.  It is evident she isn’t interested yet, but, he is blinded by his desire and affection for her. He needs to make up his mind and stop, but, can he do that?

It is highly immature for the girl to begin to take advantage of the guy’s interest and begin to demand expensive things; it shows that if the relationship starts it may not or will not be built on a foundation that can stand.

QUESTION 4: 

“Girls know when a guy has feelings for them but they take advantage and start demanding. I would like to understand why.”

Answer 

This is similar in some ways to question 3 above. Everyone takes advantage of another when they do not know better. When the purpose of a thing is not known, abuse is imminent.

The purpose of someone caring for you is to make you ask yourself a question; do I care for this person also? If the care is not mutual, it is time to let the person go.

If the care is mutual and it is healthy, it is time to interact, discuss and create room to understand each other.

QUESTION 5

“Why is it that women are so full of emotions and men are emotionless?”

Answer 

Everyone has emotions, both men and women. However, women are said to be emotional than men because they are more expressive of their emotions than men are.

Depending on several factors including: personality, self -awareness, personal choices and family background, men tend to express some or no emotions at all. However, with time they do. 

Men need to be taught to have a role model and mentored on how to safely express their emotions, and then they would do it more often.

QUESTION 6: 

“When you have unknowingly led someone on and you realize you have, how do you go about setting the records straight without coming off as rejecting the person? And is it advisable to still keep the friendship? I guess what I am asking is; how do I tell her I just want to be friends when she thinks otherwise?

Answer 

Well the only way to do it is to tell her. Tell her with sincerity and apologize sincerely for the past. However, you need to accept that her response is her choice. She may choose to continue or not to continue to be friends with you and you need to be willing to accept that.

Do you have a question you would like an answer to? Do you need advice on how to go about challenges you are facing in your relationship? Then ask us. You can send it as a message on our Facebook page-LOVE HAPPENS DIARY or you can send a mail to lovehappensinfo@gmail.com. 

Keep loving!!!

DEALING WITH DIFFERENCES

We’ve all read that book or seen that movie; a rich girl falls for a not-so-rich guy, the prince is in love with a slave, a Christian married a Jew or a Muslim, the mobster and the Christian girl………..and the list goes on. If you are a “hopeless romantic” like me, you probably rooted for the lovebirds and cursed on the parents that kept them away because you believed that love should know no boundaries or societal differences or religion or status or whatever, love should conquer all of that and in the movie it does; the girl leaves everything behind, gets disowned by the rich father and moves in with the boy and his parents. 

Hello…. Producer… Director…. Playwright… Whoever made this movie! You forgot to tell us what happens next, happily ever after is too vague, can someone please follow the couple with the camera? What happens now? Does the princess get a job? Is the Christian girl gonna leave her faith? How are they gonna raise their kids in this economy? What happens when tough times come? Hello! Anybody? Nobody huh? Figures! Nobody tells us what happens next.

I am firm believer in love and its ability to overcome the greatest challenges possible, so I am not insinuating that two people from “different worlds” cannot fall in love, get married and have a happy life-they can and you can too! But what happens when love no longer seems enough? What do we do then?

Whenever two individuals come together there will most likely be challenges. This is because they have lived different lives until they met and have developed different habits, preferences, way of life etc.

Differences are beneficial to all relationships; two exactly alike individual may not make a good couple.

Differences can strengthen a relationship when both parties work towards making adjustments, managing and overcoming them. However, some differences are so significant that it may lead to the end of a relationship.

Most relationships fail because partners did not pay enough attention to the potentially challenging situations that could cause irreconcilable differences in the future. They were too in love to pay attention until it became difficult.

Over the next few weeks, we will look at common differences between couples that could evolve and destroy relationships if not properly managed. These factors, are not listed or explained in any particular order. Let’s start with the first one:

MANAGING MONEY

Most couples I know had a hard time talking about money, a simple question like how much do you earn? Can almost break up a dating couple and if this isn’t dealt with before marriage it turns into fights over bills, a new couch and leads to divorce. Yes! Money matters lead to divorce in most cases. Why? Because money is not only material or tangible it is also personal and emotional. People react defensively because money sometimes reflects on the perception of their esteem and self worth.

We hear women say things like ‘my money is my money and my husband’s money is our money’ as funny as this sounds this perspective is carried into the home.

When it comes to dealing with money, we all fall under two major categories either ‘the saver’ or ’the spendthrift’. The saver buys only the things he/she absolutely needs, almost never incurs debt, has a good amount reserved for the future and is not an impulsive buyer. The spendthrift on the other hand is an impulsive buyer, most likely full of debt and acquiring more, has little or nothing saved up for the rainy day. 

Some relationships are a combination of the miser and the spender, others spender and spender and some others, miser and miser. No matter the case it is necessary for money matters to be discussed before marriage so couples can live happy lives. 

Couples often decide to keep their money separately in an attempt to resolve the money conflict; this may also turn out to be a disaster, as it could pull the family apart.

To protect your family and avert the distance that money can create, learn how to talk about money matters. Be open to your partner about your spending style, work towards an agreement on what each will contribute financially, agree on your financial goals and plans for the future. This may sound unlikely but you need to discuss every detail, down to who pays the bills and when, who buys food, who pays fees, what percentage is saved etc. it is also advisable for a couple run a joint account for family purposes if they agree to it.

Next week we would examine another distance factor.

RELATIONSHIP CHICKEN

Have you ever been in a relationship you knew had run its course but you were waiting on the other person to leave first? Or maybe you both knew it was time to quit but you just kept postponing it?

I remember a couple who had been together 9yrs, both had made up their minds that this relationship was never gonna work, they knew they didn’t want to spend their lives with the other person (and this wasn’t because the other person was mean, it just wasn’t right) they kept dropping hints for a whole year hoping the other person will get the hint and leave. It’s been a year now and they haven’t officially broken things off, how interesting.

If you think that story wasn’t clear enough, here’s another;

A close friend has been on an off-again-on-again relationship with her high school sweetheart, for most of their relationship they were apart so they learnt to lead separate lives. The girl feels she’s a different person from when they met and she needs to leave the relationship but she feels she will hurt the boy’s feelings so, what does she do? She starts to provoke him and upset him intentionally just to get him to leave first; there’s nothing she hasn’t done, but the guy hasn’t left her yet.


There are so many examples and scenarios I could share with you but it is the same outcome, these couples are playing “Relationship Chicken” have you heard of that before? Well, I have and it even has a definition just click here to find out what urban dictionary says about it.
But here’s mine

“When a relationship has no future or next step and should ideally end but, the parties involved refuses to end it sincerely but rather resort to games and pranks to manipulate the other party to end the relationship, this couple is playing RELATIONSHIP CHICKEN.”

This kind of relationship is displayed in movies alot; my favorite is the TV series 'How i met you mother'.

WHY PEOPLE PLAY CHICKEN

I have discerned and inferred by watching relationships around me and mine (yes I said it, I played chicken) that there are five reasons why people play “chicken”

1. Consideration: when only one party wants to leave they may hesitate out of considerations for the other person’s feelings.

2. Fear: No one likes to start afresh, leaving the known for the unknown can be scary. Holding on is safe because it means you’re not alone.

3. Emotions: Because the relationship has run its course doesn’t mean you have stopped loving each other (if you were actually in love). The pain of letting go could also cause a couple to chicken-out, but it is not enough reason to stay.

4. No other option: Some wait for the next guy or girl to come along before they can leave; they don’t wanna leave one for nothing. People you aren’t changing a tires, you don’t have to wait for next person to come along.

5. Pride: I hear people say “I can’t be the one to break it off” or “I don’t wanna be the bad guy”. This is pride because the only reason for holding on is to preserve your image or in some cases to prove a point.

THE CHICKEN IS THE YARD
How do you know you are playing chicken?

1. There is no plan for the future: the focus is on leaving the relationship and not living their lives together. This couple is just going with motions.

2. Friendship is lost: you no longer spend much time together or talk to each other about little things, even making lunch plans could feel like a burden.

3. Communication is broken: conversation lacks substance, calls are sparing. This couple could go silent for weeks or months.

4. Unhappiness and frustration: no one is happy, no enthusiasm or excitement, both parties feel stuck, they can’t get out, can’t move forward or progress, they get annoyed by everything the other person says and if this goes on, frustration is bound to creep in.

5. Games and hurt: you begin hurt each other. You come up with creative ways to make the other person leave you.

Couples who play relationship chicken might feel that they are brilliant or that they are being smart but this is not true; the chicken game never ends pleasantly. Though the couple will get what they want eventually (a break up) it will come at a cost. The ‘chicken couple’ would probably never speak to each other again and they would have wasted so much time and this will make starting over with someone else harder than it would have been, so here’s my advice;

KILL THE CHICKEN

1. Have an honest conversation with your partner. This is hard but it’s the only way, really. Don’t look for reasons to leave; you might keep waiting forever. No matter what your partner says make sure you make your point about leaving and if you do…

2. Don’t just talk, end it for real! That’s right, don’t get too emotional that you makeup and continue the chicken game.

P.S.
After you’ve killed the chicken, you can now make chicken soup……… LOL

READY FOR LOVE?

We keep waiting for love to happen to us. We go through daily life dreaming of love; when are we going to meet the ‘one’? What is it going to feel like and so on, but all we are doing is waiting and fantasizing (because a dream without action is a fantasy). We have become snow white; bound by love spells but waiting still for love (but even snow white had little helpers).
We wait for love to come and sometimes it does, but we miss it or let it pass us by because we weren’t ready.
Love doesn’t come only because we thought about it, or waited for it. It comes to those who prepared for it. Nothing just happens. So what do we do so we can be adequately prepared for love? Here are 5 suggestions.

1- CLEAN YOUR CLOSET:
What are you holding to? What is in your possession or life that shouldn’t be? It is time to clean up! Deal with those residual feelings for the ex, the hurt from a past relationship or childhood, let all that messy stuff go. You can’t be ready for a new start until you can release the old.

2- SAY HELLO TO YOU: While waiting for love, or rather preparing for it, it is a good time to get to know yourself better, spend time with yourself, take a step back from all the drama, and be you. Here is a tip that could help you discover yourself during this period.

3- GET REAL:
Ditch the high end expectation and fantasy, and identify really what qualities you need in a man, not the qualities that look good to have, what your friends have, or what you saw on TV, but what best suits your personality.

4- BE OPEN-MINDED:
Don’t give love a colour, size and shape. You may have imagined him tall but he may not be (don’t get offended, it’s true). If we limit ourselves, we judge too quickly, we don’t look beyond the cover of the book, because he doesn’t look like it doesn’t mean he isn’t it. Take a chance on people, give them the benefit of the doubt, and you might be surprised at how well they would do.

5- DRAW THE LINE:
Be open-minded but don’t also let everything come in. Since you now know who you are and what you want, identify what you don’t want. What are your boundaries? Where does the line start, where does it end? You have to know when to say NO! And when to say YES! Not everything is for you and not everyone was made for you.

6- DIVORCE DESPERATION:
I know you are looking or searching for love, but ladies and gentlemen, take it down a notch. Nobody wants to hear ‘I love you’ on the first date guys. Desperation has a stench, a very repulsive one. Rather than attract people, you repel them. Don’t be too eager and impatient because then you will end up with what looks like love. Time is on your side. It’s never too late to find love no matter how old you are.


Sometimes, we are not willing to make adjustments especially when it comes to love because we find it hard to admit that we might be the one who needs change. If we adjust our lifestyle, we do it for our benefit first and only when we change, we grow and we live happier lives.