5 THINGS THAT COULD DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP (part 4)

4. EGO AND PRIDE

Everyone has a sense of pride and ego. It is a part of our human nature and it is beneficial as well as destructive if not effectively managed. We feel a sense of pride when we’ve accomplished something, whether we are celebrated for it or not. Ego is a sense of self-importance but this can easily become a feeling of superiority, which is negative.In this blog ego and pride will be used interchangeably because they have the same effects in any relationship.

In a relationship, pride and ego are detrimental and unhealthy. It hinders progress and the general feeling of contentment and happiness one should derive from being in a loving relationship.

A proud person sees himself (or herself) as perfect. They don’t believe they can do wrong; everything they say is right, their ideas are the best, everyone else has a problem but they do not. This makes them critical and arrogant. Don’t try to correct a proud person; they can’t hear you. They rarely take responsibility for their actions, they pass blames instead.

 Ego makes a person defensive in a conversation; rather than listen to the feelings of their partner they focus on absorbing themselves of any guilt or blame. Their ego is hurt at the slightest indication that they might be anything but perfect. Pride will never let them admit that they were wrong or even apologize for their error or fault. “I’m sorry” are words rarely heard from the lips of a proud person. This doesn’t always mean that they do not think they did something wrong, they’d rather not admit it unless, apologizing, somehow makes them look like the bigger person. 

Proud people feel self-sufficient; they think they don’t need anything from anyone and they don’t need anyone, if only that were true. A relationship is for interdependence; both parties relying on the each other for support, help, comfort and care. If one person decides to be completely independent of the other, the relationship fails. If one party depends completely on the other, giving nothing back, the relationship fails.

When a person’s ego is bruised they find it hard to forgive. They want to prove that they are not to be trifled with.They would definitely seek revenge-believe it. ‘If I let this person go’ they say, ‘then people will think I’m weak, I have to prove that I am not, I will teach them a lesson’. Pride is an indication of low self-esteem and a week self-image. Proud people are insecure, that’s why they are arrogant and act irrational and destructive when they feel jealous.

A relationship driven by ego will make both parties resort to playing games; no one wants to be the first to talk or call back after a couples quarrel because then they will lose and their partner will have all the power, they are both waiting on the other person to take the first step.Ego keeps people in a bad relationship; they rather suffer than let people think they failed.

The holy bible says: “Pride comes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18). Ego profits nothing. It builds walls between you and your partner. While you are trying not to look weak or lose, you are isolating yourself.You might win that fight but you will lose your peace and your partner if you don’t swallow your pride. There’s a need to surrender and let love lead rather than pride. Pride says: ‘what will people think’, love says: ‘I lose so we can win’. Do you want to win only to lose love or do you want to let love win? Your choice!

5 THINGS THAT COULD DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP (part 3)

3. UNFORGIVENESS

It is highly improbable for two individuals to engage in any form of interaction without the slightest occurrence of disagreement, misunderstanding, conflict and offense hence a need for forgiveness. The path that leads to mutual understanding and harmony amongst two individuals is paved with friction and conflict. It is unavoidable and extremely necessary.

These disagreements occur because of human differences; you differ in many ways from your partner and these differences become more evident as close relationships are formed. However these minor conflicts help us understand our partners better; we learn what is not acceptable and what gets them upset and because we love them, we avoid it. We learn how they react to different situations as they occur. Disagreements give room for negotiations and synergy. Disagreements could easily result in offense, depending on how it is handled. When offenses arise, feelings get hurt and the only healthy response to hurt is forgiveness.

According to Niyi Osadare, “People are more vulnerable with people they love. They let their guard down and remove their defenses so that they can freely express the love they feel for their partner”. The closest people to us can hurt us and break us the most because with them we are weak, with them we are safe and our hearts have learnt to trust them. Those you love will most certainly hurt you. Whether they intended to or not. However, if someone you love and who claims to love you deliberately hurts you, you might have to reconsider your decision to be in that relationship.

When a loved one hurts us we feel confused; we wonder, ‘how could they do this’, ‘but I trusted them’, we might even feel betrayed. Because we love our partner we may decide to talk it over with them, hoping they’d understand and apologize for their wrongs, but this may not be the case, which could cause more pain. We could decide not to tell our partner how we feel because we feel that they would not understand how much they hurt us and based on past experiences they may not even apologize. All these feelings could lead to grudge, resentment, the end of your relationship and/or revenge. But all these are negative response to being hurt because they affect the offended more than the offender. The only healthy response to being hurt as we said earlier is forgiveness.

Grudge affects communication, expression of love and intimacy in a relationship. It could easily lead to bitterness, hatred, animosity and unhappiness. When couples keeps scores and hold grudges, their relationship will implode.It is advisable that couples talk openly to their partners about the hurt they feel in their hearts as a result of what their partner did or is doing or seek help from a third party-a counselor or therapist- that help both parties and led them to wholeness and healing or end the relationship.

Forgiveness is a decision to let go of a hurt or offense and revenge. In other words it is a choice. You can choose to or not to forgive. However, it is important to note the following:

• Forgiveness doesn’t mean you no longer feel hurt
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have lost your memory and completely forgot about the offense.
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean that the relationship would continue or be restored.
• Forgiveness is not a favor to your partner but a necessity for you.
• Forgiveness precedes healing.
• Your partner might never apologize or realize their error
• Revenge cannot change what has happened, it will not correct the error done to you, and it will not soothe the pain you feel inside. It doesn’t bring healing.
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have lost your power, it doesn’t make you are weak.

As humans, it is only natural to seek justifications for our actions; we want reasonable explanations. ‘If she apologizes, then I will forgive her’ you say, ‘He has changed so I think I should forgive him’. These are reasons that make our partner qualified for our forgiveness but they are not reasons enough to forgive. We forgive because if we don’t we keep ourselves in bondage, we stay unhappy and we can affect our health. 

Unforgiveness is not your right and forgiveness is not a privilege or favor you are doing your partner; forgiveness is for you. Besides who gets to stay awake hurt and grumpy-you, who gets to spend time and years planning revenge-you, who gets to relive the experience of the over and over again? You guessed it-you. 

Even if you were not offended by your partner but you are holding a grudge against someone for something they did in the past, you will affect your relationship by making your partner suffer for what someone else did. Do yourself and your relationship a favor and forgive.

5 THINGS THAT COULD DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP (part 2)

2. SELFISHNESS

“What about me?” “What’s in it for me?” “That’s not what I want”, these are the declarations of a selfish person. Their world is made up of three creatures, Me, Myself and I.

Selfish people are consumed by their importance. They often do not notice or regard the needs of their partner. They believe that the relationship is there to attend to their needs and their partner is meant to satisfy their every desire. The relationship and their partner is a means to an end and a tool for personal gratification. A selfish partner does not realize that they are selfish and therefore telling them won’t amount to much, instead it may cause the other party pain.

Selfish partners don’t go out of their way for the benefit of their relationship if it doesn’t serve their personal goal; which could be to prove that they care or to manipulate their partner to return the favor in the future. Keep in mind that they are not aware of this.

Selfishness destroys relationships over time. It might take a while to identify but it is a sure way to end a loving relationship.

That a person is selfish doesn’t mean that they do not love or care about their partner it just means that they are self-absorbed. In their view they make compromises for their relationship and they go out of their way to meet their partner’s needs. That’s why they do not understand their partner’s complains concerning their behavior and might perceive their partner to be too demanding and inconsiderate and in most cases selfish.

Selfish people expect their partner to change their taste and preference to suit them. They demand that things go their way often. Some selfish people are control-freaks and master manipulators. They expect their partner to pay attention to their needs and wants, to understand them and proffer solutions, while they do little or nothing to reciprocate.

You often notice a selfish person mindlessly exhausting the family budget without much thought as it regards the sustenance and survival of their family thereafter. They expect that when their partner discovers their action, they should be understood and there should be no consequence whatsoever. They do not take responsibility for their actions. 

A selfish person would rarely consult their partner before making major decisions; they expect their partner to go along with whatever they decide.

Selfishness starts from self-indulgence. One who is accustomed to always saying what’s on their mind without taking into consideration the feelings of the other person. A person who does what they want, how they want, when they want, is focused only on themselves. 

Don’t expect a selfish person to suddenly change their actions (because it is part of their personality); it might require a significant experience to bring them to the reality that the world does not revolve around them.

A relationship is a partnership; both parties need to be mutually invested in its survival and success. When one party is always asking, demanding, expecting and receiving and the other party is just giving, giving and giving, the relationship ends up one sided and out of balance.

Are your thoughts filled with ‘I’ and ‘me’ rather than ‘we’? Then you are probably acting selfishly and you are hurting your partner and relationship.

If your partner is selfish, this is probably hurting you. You may not have voiced how you feel-probably because they don’t give the opportunity and you end up feeling hurt, but you cannot let them continue to put you through pain. Worse still, you shouldn’t enable their behavior because this will be detrimental to your relationship in the long run. If you are the selfish one, you need to have a serious conversation with yourself and come to terms with the effect of your behavior before you lose your partner.

5 THINGS THAT COULD DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP (part 1)

 

1. LIES

 

A lie is a statement contrary to a known fact, told with intent to deceive. People lie for various reasons; some lie because they feel it is safer for their relationship, some others use lies to manipulate their partner and others assume they are protecting their partner from the painful truth when in reality they are protecting themselves. 

Think about it for a moment; think about the last time you lied, why did you do it? You probably thought that if you told your partner the truth they would think of you differently, they might overreact, they might end the relationship and the classic one- they cannot handle the truth. Notice the pattern? All the reasons revolve around you and that is often selfish.

Lies affect trust which is the foundation of any healthy relationship. When a person knows or perceives he/she has been lied to, they find it difficult to believe what is said to them afterwards. Even when they have forgiven the "liar", there are still unresolved questions in their heart and the impression that their partner is a liar and cannot be trusted.

Lies hurt both the teller and the told. If you tell a lie to your partner and they find out they feel hurt and betrayed and wonder why you cannot trust them but, it doesn’t end there. Because they are struggling to trust you, they would act it out even when you are being honest and that would hurt your feelings.

Lies generally fall into two categories, lies of commission and lies of omission. So far we have been discussing lie of commission; which is basically stating something that isn’t true. The most common lie of commission is what we call ‘white lie’. Little fibs we tell to spare our partner’s feelings. Like telling him he looks great in those jeans when he doesn’t or telling her she isn’t putting on weight when she clearly is. Although most people subscribe to white lie, it is still a lie. You can still disclose a painful detail without hurting your partner; if you do so with caution, consideration and sensitivity.

Lie of omission however, is deliberately withholding necessary details or information when telling the truth also known as half-truth. It could also be avoiding a conversation or question because you do not want to lie, using “you did not ask” as a defense. Information withheld could become secrets the longer they are hidden from your partner. A half-truth can be a misrepresentation of a fact; you did not lie, you did not withhold or avoid the truth but you skipped some details. This gives your partner a different perspective of what the truth is and because you know the truth you would not correct the conclusions or misconception they derived from you misinformation.

Lies are a heavy burden for the culprit; an enormous amount of work is put in to preserve the lie and prevent the truth from coming to light. A lie naturally requires more lies to protect its authenticity.

Every relationship would do well if it is built on trust. There cannot be love without trust and lying affects that. Lying implies you don’t trust your partner enough to be open with him/her. This affects openness and vulnerability in a relationship. It takes courage to tell the truth and not everyone has that courage.

When you catch yourself telling a lie correct yourself immediately and apologize to your partner. It is better they feel disappointed by your attempt to lie than hurt and violated by the discovery of the truth.

Lying may have immediate benefits but it’s consequences in the years to come are more dangerous than the truth told today.