Friday, April 17, 2015

DEALING WITH DIFFERENCES



We’ve all read that book or seen that movie; a rich girl falls for a not-so-rich guy, the prince is in love with a slave, a Christian married a Jew or a Muslim, the mobster and the Christian girl………..and the list goes on. If you are a “hopeless romantic” like me, you probably rooted for the lovebirds and cursed on the parents that kept them away because you believed that love should know no boundaries or societal differences or religion or status or whatever, love should conquer all of that and in the movie it does; the girl leaves everything behind, gets disowned by the rich father and moves in with the boy and his parents. 
Hello…. Producer… Director…. Playwright… Whoever made this movie! You forgot to tell us what happens next, happily ever after is too vague, can someone please follow the couple with the camera? What happens now? Does the princess get a job? Is the Christian girl gonna leave her faith? How are they gonna raise their kids in this economy? What happens when tough times come? Hello! Anybody? Nobody huh? Figures! Nobody tells us what happens next.
I am firm believer in love and its ability to overcome the greatest challenges possible, so I am not insinuating that two people from “different worlds” cannot fall in love, get married and have a happy life-they can and you can too! But what happens when love no longer seems enough? What do we do then?

Whenever two individuals come together there will most likely be challenges. This is because they have lived different lives until they met and have developed different habits, preferences, way of life etc.
Differences are beneficial to all relationships; two exactly alike individual may not make a good couple.
Differences can strengthen a relationship when both parties work towards making adjustments, managing and overcoming them. However, some differences are so significant that it may lead to the end of a relationship.
Most relationships fail because partners did not pay enough attention to the potentially challenging situations that could cause irreconcilable differences in the future. They were too in love to pay attention until it became difficult.
Over the next few weeks, we will look at common differences between couples that could evolve and destroy relationships if not properly managed. These factors, are not listed or explained in any particular order. Let’s start with the first one:


MANAGING MONEY

Most couples I know had a hard time talking about money, a simple question like how much do you earn? Can almost break up a dating couple and if this isn’t dealt with before marriage it turns into fights over bills, a new couch and leads to divorce. Yes! Money matters lead to divorce in most cases. Why? Because money is not only material or tangible it is also personal and emotional. People react defensively because money sometimes reflects on the perception of their esteem and self worth.
We hear women say things like ‘my money is my money and my husband’s money is our money’ as funny as this sounds this perspective is carried into the home.

When it comes to dealing with money, we all fall under two major categories either ‘the saver’ or ’the spendthrift’. The saver buys only the things he/she absolutely needs, almost never incurs debt, has a good amount reserved for the future and is not an impulsive buyer. The spendthrift on the other hand is an impulsive buyer, most likely full of debt and acquiring more, has little or nothing saved up for the rainy day. 

Some relationships are a combination of the miser and the spender, others spender and spender and some others, miser and miser. No matter the case it is necessary for money matters to be discussed before marriage so couples can live happy lives. 
Couples often decide to keep their money separately in an attempt to resolve the money conflict; this may also turn out to be a disaster, as it could pull the family apart.

To protect your family and avert the distance that money can create, learn how to talk about money matters. Be open to your partner about your spending style, work towards an agreement on what each will contribute financially, agree on your financial goals and plans for the future. This may sound unlikely but you need to discuss every detail, down to who pays the bills and when, who buys food, who pays fees, what percentage is saved etc. it is also advisable for a couple run a joint account for family purposes if they agree to it.

Next week we would examine another distance factor.

Monday, April 6, 2015

RELATIONSHIP CHICKEN



Have you ever been in a relationship you knew had run its course but you were waiting on the other person to leave first? Or maybe you both knew it was time to quit but you just kept postponing it?

I remember a couple who had been together 9yrs, both had made up their minds that this relationship was never gonna work, they knew they didn’t want to spend their lives with the other person (and this wasn’t because the other person was mean, it just wasn’t right) they kept dropping hints for a whole year hoping the other person will get the hint and leave. It’s been a year now and they haven’t officially broken things off, how interesting.

If you think that story wasn’t clear enough, here’s another;

A close friend has been on an off-again-on-again relationship with her high school sweetheart, for most of their relationship they were apart so they learnt to lead separate lives. The girl feels she’s a different person from when they met and she needs to leave the relationship but she feels she will hurt the boy’s feelings so, what does she do? She starts to provoke him and upset him intentionally just to get him to leave first; there’s nothing she hasn’t done, but the guy hasn’t left her yet.


There are so many examples and scenarios I could share with you but it is the same outcome, these couples are playing “Relationship Chicken” have you heard of that before? Well, I have and it even has a definition just click here to find out what urban dictionary says about it.
But here’s mine

“When a relationship has no future or next step and should ideally end but, the parties involved refuses to end it sincerely but rather resort to games and pranks to manipulate the other party to end the relationship, this couple is playing RELATIONSHIP CHICKEN.”

This kind of relationship is displayed in movies alot; my favorite is the TV series 'How i met you mother'.

WHY PEOPLE PLAY CHICKEN

I have discerned and inferred by watching relationships around me and mine (yes I said it, I played chicken) that there are five reasons why people play “chicken”

1. Consideration: when only one party wants to leave they may hesitate out of considerations for the other person’s feelings.

2. Fear: No one likes to start afresh, leaving the known for the unknown can be scary. Holding on is safe because it means you’re not alone.

3. Emotions: Because the relationship has run its course doesn’t mean you have stopped loving each other (if you were actually in love). The pain of letting go could also cause a couple to chicken-out, but it is not enough reason to stay.

4. No other option: Some wait for the next guy or girl to come along before they can leave; they don’t wanna leave one for nothing. People you aren’t changing a tires, you don’t have to wait for next person to come along.

5. Pride: I hear people say “I can’t be the one to break it off” or “I don’t wanna be the bad guy”. This is pride because the only reason for holding on is to preserve your image or in some cases to prove a point.

THE CHICKEN IS THE YARD
How do you know you are playing chicken?

1. There is no plan for the future: the focus is on leaving the relationship and not living their lives together. This couple is just going with motions.

2. Friendship is lost: you no longer spend much time together or talk to each other about little things, even making lunch plans could feel like a burden.

3. Communication is broken: conversation lacks substance, calls are sparing. This couple could go silent for weeks or months.

4. Unhappiness and frustration: no one is happy, no enthusiasm or excitement, both parties feel stuck, they can’t get out, can’t move forward or progress, they get annoyed by everything the other person says and if this goes on, frustration is bound to creep in.

5. Games and hurt: you begin hurt each other. You come up with creative ways to make the other person leave you.

Couples who play relationship chicken might feel that they are brilliant or that they are being smart but this is not true; the chicken game never ends pleasantly. Though the couple will get what they want eventually (a break up) it will come at a cost. The ‘chicken couple’ would probably never speak to each other again and they would have wasted so much time and this will make starting over with someone else harder than it would have been, so here’s my advice;

KILL THE CHICKEN

1. Have an honest conversation with your partner. This is hard but it’s the only way, really. Don’t look for reasons to leave; you might keep waiting forever. No matter what your partner says make sure you make your point about leaving and if you do…

2. Don’t just talk, end it for real! That’s right, don’t get too emotional that you makeup and continue the chicken game.

P.S.
After you’ve killed the chicken, you can now make chicken soup……… LOL

Friday, April 3, 2015

READY FOR LOVE?



We keep waiting for love to happen to us. We go through daily life dreaming of love; when are we going to meet the ‘one’? What is it going to feel like and so on, but all we are doing is waiting and fantasizing (because a dream without action is a fantasy). We have become snow white; bound by love spells but waiting still for love (but even snow white had little helpers).
We wait for love to come and sometimes it does, but we miss it or let it pass us by because we weren’t ready.
Love doesn’t come only because we thought about it, or waited for it. It comes to those who prepared for it. Nothing just happens. So what do we do so we can be adequately prepared for love? Here are 5 suggestions.

1- CLEAN YOUR CLOSET:
What are you holding to? What is in your possession or life that shouldn’t be? It is time to clean up! Deal with those residual feelings for the ex, the hurt from a past relationship or childhood, let all that messy stuff go. You can’t be ready for a new start until you can release the old.

2- SAY HELLO TO YOU: While waiting for love, or rather preparing for it, it is a good time to get to know yourself better, spend time with yourself, take a step back from all the drama, and be you. Here is a tip that could help you discover yourself during this period.

3- GET REAL:
Ditch the high end expectation and fantasy, and identify really what qualities you need in a man, not the qualities that look good to have, what your friends have, or what you saw on TV, but what best suits your personality.

4- BE OPEN-MINDED:
Don’t give love a colour, size and shape. You may have imagined him tall but he may not be (don’t get offended, it’s true). If we limit ourselves, we judge too quickly, we don’t look beyond the cover of the book, because he doesn’t look like it doesn’t mean he isn’t it. Take a chance on people, give them the benefit of the doubt, and you might be surprised at how well they would do.

5- DRAW THE LINE:
Be open-minded but don’t also let everything come in. Since you now know who you are and what you want, identify what you don’t want. What are your boundaries? Where does the line start, where does it end? You have to know when to say NO! And when to say YES! Not everything is for you and not everyone was made for you.

6- DIVORCE DESPERATION:
I know you are looking or searching for love, but ladies and gentlemen, take it down a notch. Nobody wants to hear ‘I love you’ on the first date guys. Desperation has a stench, a very repulsive one. Rather than attract people, you repel them. Don’t be too eager and impatient because then you will end up with what looks like love. Time is on your side. It’s never too late to find love no matter how old you are.


Sometimes, we are not willing to make adjustments especially when it comes to love because we find it hard to admit that we might be the one who needs change. If we adjust our lifestyle, we do it for our benefit first and only when we change, we grow and we live happier lives.