5 THINGS THAT COULD DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP (part 3)

3. UNFORGIVENESS

It is highly improbable for two individuals to engage in any form of interaction without the slightest occurrence of disagreement, misunderstanding, conflict and offense hence a need for forgiveness. The path that leads to mutual understanding and harmony amongst two individuals is paved with friction and conflict. It is unavoidable and extremely necessary.

These disagreements occur because of human differences; you differ in many ways from your partner and these differences become more evident as close relationships are formed. However these minor conflicts help us understand our partners better; we learn what is not acceptable and what gets them upset and because we love them, we avoid it. We learn how they react to different situations as they occur. Disagreements give room for negotiations and synergy. Disagreements could easily result in offense, depending on how it is handled. When offenses arise, feelings get hurt and the only healthy response to hurt is forgiveness.

According to Niyi Osadare, “People are more vulnerable with people they love. They let their guard down and remove their defenses so that they can freely express the love they feel for their partner”. The closest people to us can hurt us and break us the most because with them we are weak, with them we are safe and our hearts have learnt to trust them. Those you love will most certainly hurt you. Whether they intended to or not. However, if someone you love and who claims to love you deliberately hurts you, you might have to reconsider your decision to be in that relationship.

When a loved one hurts us we feel confused; we wonder, ‘how could they do this’, ‘but I trusted them’, we might even feel betrayed. Because we love our partner we may decide to talk it over with them, hoping they’d understand and apologize for their wrongs, but this may not be the case, which could cause more pain. We could decide not to tell our partner how we feel because we feel that they would not understand how much they hurt us and based on past experiences they may not even apologize. All these feelings could lead to grudge, resentment, the end of your relationship and/or revenge. But all these are negative response to being hurt because they affect the offended more than the offender. The only healthy response to being hurt as we said earlier is forgiveness.

Grudge affects communication, expression of love and intimacy in a relationship. It could easily lead to bitterness, hatred, animosity and unhappiness. When couples keeps scores and hold grudges, their relationship will implode.It is advisable that couples talk openly to their partners about the hurt they feel in their hearts as a result of what their partner did or is doing or seek help from a third party-a counselor or therapist- that help both parties and led them to wholeness and healing or end the relationship.

Forgiveness is a decision to let go of a hurt or offense and revenge. In other words it is a choice. You can choose to or not to forgive. However, it is important to note the following:

• Forgiveness doesn’t mean you no longer feel hurt
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have lost your memory and completely forgot about the offense.
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean that the relationship would continue or be restored.
• Forgiveness is not a favor to your partner but a necessity for you.
• Forgiveness precedes healing.
• Your partner might never apologize or realize their error
• Revenge cannot change what has happened, it will not correct the error done to you, and it will not soothe the pain you feel inside. It doesn’t bring healing.
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have lost your power, it doesn’t make you are weak.

As humans, it is only natural to seek justifications for our actions; we want reasonable explanations. ‘If she apologizes, then I will forgive her’ you say, ‘He has changed so I think I should forgive him’. These are reasons that make our partner qualified for our forgiveness but they are not reasons enough to forgive. We forgive because if we don’t we keep ourselves in bondage, we stay unhappy and we can affect our health. 

Unforgiveness is not your right and forgiveness is not a privilege or favor you are doing your partner; forgiveness is for you. Besides who gets to stay awake hurt and grumpy-you, who gets to spend time and years planning revenge-you, who gets to relive the experience of the over and over again? You guessed it-you. 

Even if you were not offended by your partner but you are holding a grudge against someone for something they did in the past, you will affect your relationship by making your partner suffer for what someone else did. Do yourself and your relationship a favor and forgive.