1. LIES
A lie is a
statement contrary to a known fact, told with intent to deceive. People lie for
various reasons; some lie because they feel it is safer for their relationship,
some others use lies to manipulate their partner and others assume they are
protecting their partner from the painful truth when in reality they are
protecting themselves.
Think about it for
a moment; think about the last time you lied, why did you do it? You probably
thought that if you told your partner the truth they would think of you
differently, they might overreact, they might end the relationship and the
classic one- they cannot handle the truth. Notice the pattern? All the reasons
revolve around you and that is often selfish.
Lies affect trust
which is the foundation of any healthy relationship. When a person knows or
perceives he/she has been lied to, they find it difficult to believe what is
said to them afterwards. Even when they have forgiven the "liar", there are still
unresolved questions in their heart and the impression that their partner is a
liar and cannot be trusted.
Lies hurt both the
teller and the told. If you tell a lie to your partner and they find out they
feel hurt and betrayed and wonder why you cannot trust them but, it doesn’t end
there. Because they are struggling to trust you, they would act it out even
when you are being honest and that would hurt your feelings.
Lies generally fall
into two categories, lies of commission and lies of omission. So far we have
been discussing lie of commission; which is basically stating something that
isn’t true. The most common lie of commission is what we call ‘white lie’.
Little fibs we tell to spare our partner’s feelings. Like telling him he looks
great in those jeans when he doesn’t or telling her she isn’t putting on weight
when she clearly is. Although most people subscribe to white lie, it is still a
lie. You can still disclose a painful detail without hurting your partner; if
you do so with caution, consideration and sensitivity.
Lie of omission
however, is deliberately withholding necessary details or information when
telling the truth also known as half-truth. It could also be avoiding a
conversation or question because you do not want to lie, using “you did not
ask” as a defense. Information withheld could become secrets the longer they
are hidden from your partner. A half-truth can be a misrepresentation of a fact;
you did not lie, you did not withhold or avoid the truth but you skipped some
details. This gives your partner a different perspective of what the truth is
and because you know the truth you would not correct the conclusions or
misconception they derived from you misinformation.
Lies are a heavy
burden for the culprit; an enormous amount of work is put in to preserve the
lie and prevent the truth from coming to light. A lie naturally requires more
lies to protect its authenticity.
Every relationship
would do well if it is built on trust. There cannot be love without trust and
lying affects that. Lying implies you don’t trust your partner enough to be
open with him/her. This affects openness and vulnerability in a relationship. It
takes courage to tell the truth and not everyone has that courage.
When you catch
yourself telling a lie correct yourself immediately and apologize to your
partner. It is better they feel disappointed by your attempt to lie than hurt
and violated by the discovery of the truth.
Lying may have
immediate benefits but it’s consequences in the years to come are more
dangerous than the truth told today.
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