DEALING WITH DIFFERENCES 2

Weeks ago, we started looking at the series DEALING WITH DIFFERENCES. We discovered that difference in spending habits could affect a relationship. Though it took me a while to continue this series –for which I apologize- here is another factor that can affect our relationship and/or our home.

LIFE GOALS

Simply put, your life goal(s) is what you want out of life: what you hope to achieve and what you want your life to amount to in the end. If you fast-forward your life to when you are 70, 80 or 90, what do you see? How would you want your life to be then?

Most of you might think that this is pretty straightforward; who wants to spend their life with someone who doesn’t want the same life as they do or one that is closest at the least? I know (for a fact) that there are people in committed relationships with someone who does not share their view and perspective about life and the way they want to live it.

What we are talking about here is not shared hubbies or interests but dreams and desires. Imagine a man whose desire is to support everyone in his community with the resources and opportunities to get a better life. He struggled to get all he acquired today and he hopes that someday he would make it easier for someone else to achieve their dream. This man falls in love with someone who does not believe it is her responsibility to cater for anyone outside her immediate family. She believes all her hard work is an inheritance for her children and anyone else will be just fine if they worked as hard. These two individuals have good philosophies but they should not ideally start a family together unless one of them is willing to give up their dream.

This ‘life goals thing’ is real tricky. It covers how we want to raise our kids, where we want to live, how we want to live out our gray years and sometimes how we want to die and so much more. The challenge is you could want something in your twenties and not want it in your thirties, forties or even seventies. Something could have happened that made you change your perspective. Maybe your dreams were probably unrealistic and life has taught you what you want.  One thing is certain; everyone is allowed to change. So, what do you do if you started a life with someone with the same goal as you and later they changed their mind and preference? That is a tough one and we will get to it later.

WHAT TO DO……? WHAT TO DO……?

Your partner is someone you want with you for life (I hope). When your kids are gone to live their independent lives, when you have retired, when you are old and gray, that person is who you chose to walk through the rest of your life. Imagine how frustrating it will be for you if all you are doing is arguing whether to travel or not to, to start a study group or relocate to the suburbs; this can be easily avoided.

While you are considering a choice of a partner, it is advisable to discuss: what you both want out of life, how you would want to raise your kids (if they want kids in the first place), your dream job (if you do not have it yet), your plan for your retirement years, where you want to live and so on. While you are at it, throw in your plan for the next 5 to 10 years and try to find out what your partner wants too (I use partner because I do not know what label you have put on your relationship, it can be boyfriend, friend, fiancé etc).

It is also likely that you do not know what you might want in 3 decades or more, that’s totally understandable-life is a process of discovery and if you not know it now, you will know it soon or later (there are couple of books that could help you through this journey of self discovery, try to get them). You could decide to wait until you are sure of what you want out of life before you pick a life partner. Or you could come clean (if you are already ‘in love’) and let your partner know that you are on a journey of self-discovery, if you are lucky, he/she would want to go with you on that journey.

Now to the toughie, you are already married to the love of your life except he mostly does not want the same things you want or maybe you both wanted the same things but somehow your spouse has changed. I saw a TV program recently, this couple got married wanting almost the same things--they had a few issues to work out but for the most part, they wanted the same life—they had the same career, they shared a desire to live independent of parental pressure and they wanted a family together. About a year later, they suffered a huge loss-an unborn child. The woman took the loss pretty hard and decided to take up another job outside the city they lived, the husband hated the decision but he supported her anyway because she promised it was part time. Well, part-time became a year and a year became a change in life plan and a divorce suit.

What am I saying? As you would have guessed from the story, anything can change along the way. Now, I am not a fan of divorce, I come from a home where couples make things work. Therefore, I will not ask you to quit your marriage and walk away from your family. Secondly, I do not know you personally, nor am I aware of the difficulties you might be facing in your marriage or family. So, I am not in the best position to tell you what to do or suggest what will work but, I will suggest that you find a counselor or therapist closest to you and sort things out now before it gets out of hand.

LOVE?

I don't know the first thing about love.

I hear to love is to give.

So I asked: What am I to give?

If I gave you all I have acquired;

At the whiff of your endless desires,

But laced every gift with double meaning,

Has my love then been affirmed?

And if I hopelessly gave without intention,

But all my gestures failed in comparison to your expectation,

Is my love then inadequate?

How can I give when I am in need?

And if we all gave who then receives?

I don’t know a lot about loving.

They said love is ever forgiving;

Taking no record of wrong doing 

and seeking no revenge for transgressions.

Then I thought within myself:

Am I to ignore your lack of repentance

And welcome you into my confidence?

And if I forgave you of the hurt

But withhold my acts of kindness and warmth,

Is my love then justified,

What if I forgave you what I could,

But framed the memories of my wounds,

Would it be accounted unto me as love?

What if I loved but never forgave?

I do not really know,

So I ask rather than assume,

And they say,

To love is to share

To cut my portion in half

Mine is yours and yours is mine

To open up my habitation

My sacred world is now our sanctuary

So I began to wonder:

What if I unveiled my yesterday

And you shut the door on our tomorrow?;

The darkness of it’s reality,

Caused you to bury the hopes of our destiny.

What benefit then has sharing?

So many things they say about love;

To love is to be truly trusting,

To be patiently enduring.

They say love is to sacrifice;

Me for you and you for me,

A calling to be less of self.

I am unsure of what it all means,

I was once told love is friendship;

Equals walking in understanding,

A relationship built on loyalty,

Commitment, care and individuality,

Again I need clarity.

They say love is endless and without condition,

It is divine and void of contention

So many things people have to say, 

Oh so many things I wish I knew,

But forever the question remains,

What then is love?

All, a few, or none of these?

Don't ask me,

I only know what they said.

FORGIVE ME

Forgive me for letting my world revolve around you,

For thinking you were different and you would understand.

Forgive me for not seeing you in your true light,

For choosing to believe the outrage of your acts over the whispers of my heart.

Forgive me for dreaming my tomorrow with you firmly in it,

For hoping that the world I see will be a reality for you and me.

Forgive me for wanting to change the world for you,

For willing to go through every battle and war with you.

Forgive me for taking you at your word,

And believing every lie,

For accepting your rainbow of colours,

When all I could see was black and white.

Forgive me for putting you on a pedestal, a place no other man could touch,

And for believing in our tender moments and your soft touch .

Forgive me for believing in the simplicity of your heart,

For accepting your every flaw and knick knacks.

Forgive me for taking this long to see,

Just how very wrong you are for me.

For hoping for a miracle, 

Anything to keep you with me.

Forgive me for holding your dreams in my prayers,

And for delighting in those little glances of reassurance.

Forgive me if I choose not to stay,

To not dwell on the hurts that you have caused.

But I pray thee if you cannot forgive anything else,

Please forgive my heart, for it has strayed

Back to where it should have been…away from you

A poem by:

Love Happens Diary

QUESTIONS PEOPLE ASK

Hello LHD readers,

Lots of people have sent in their question and they would love your help in tackling the little challenges and issues they are presently facing in their relationship. You can add your opinion as a comment under this post, please indicate the question you are responding to. Kindly note that, as always, we keep the names of our readers anonymous unless they request otherwise. 

You ready? Let’s go!

QUESTION 1: 

Dear LHD,

“If the guy you are ‘involved with’ refuses to trust you and doesn’t even let you visit other guys, is it right to continue that kind of relationship?”

Answer

Life is full of people with their own issues. When we are choosing to be or remain in a relationship, it must be because we can both manage to live with each other’s issue. When we cannot, it is necessary to bring to an end the relationship.

If a guy does not trust you, it may be because he has trust issues, or feel insecure about you or your desire to spend time with other guys. Ask yourself, is there a way you conduct yourself around guys that he doesn’t like? Have you had something unpleasant to do with other guys in the past that you told him about and he still remembers? Is he uncomfortable because any of those other guys is interested in you?

If after being truthful to yourself you realize that it has nothing to do with you at all, and it is just him being jealous, high handed over protective self, there are 3 things you can do.

a. Talk to him sincerely about how you feel and give him an opportunity to speak also

b. Give him an opportunity to change without pressure from you.

c. If you have done the above and he hasn’t changed, then it might be time to end the relationship.

QUESTION 2:  

“Is it right to leave a person you love for another person because of money? If this person gives you the money you need to care for yourself, helps your parents financially and is also mature and serious for marriage?”

Answer There are many dilemmas in life and many of the options you face in life are not necessarily pleasant.

Your question has many possible answers.

Is it right to leave a person you love? Well the answer can be yes or no. it is “no” when the person loves you back, then love is built on the right assumption and decision, and you both plan to make the relationship permanent and have the potential to make that happen. However, if that is not the case and the relationship is not defined, and you both are unsure, then you are at liberty to leave upon a mutual agreement.

If it is because of money you are planning to leave, then you may need to pause a bit.

Ask yourself are there other qualities he has that are desirable to you and that you can live with?

 You mentioned he is mature and, serious.  I would like to ask; if he has all these qualities and you can relate with his maturity and seriousness, is it the type of relationship you want; does he have genuine interest in you beyond helping you, does he listen to you and you both have conversations about the future? Or he just sees you as a little girl he is making a wife out of?

If you can relate with him and he with you, and you choose to leave your first relationship then you can start another relationship with him.

QUESTION 3: 

“I have a friend who loved this girl so much that it was too obvious to everyone. He asked the girl but she started taking advantage of him and become demanding. She didn’t say yes or no to his request. What should he do?”

Answer 

Hmm, something is out of place in this picture. The boy loves and cares about the girl, and he is doing everything to convince her to do the same, unfortunately, it isn’t the same for the lady.

Life is full of choices and decisions.  It is evident she isn’t interested yet, but, he is blinded by his desire and affection for her. He needs to make up his mind and stop, but, can he do that?

It is highly immature for the girl to begin to take advantage of the guy’s interest and begin to demand expensive things; it shows that if the relationship starts it may not or will not be built on a foundation that can stand.

QUESTION 4: 

“Girls know when a guy has feelings for them but they take advantage and start demanding. I would like to understand why.”

Answer 

This is similar in some ways to question 3 above. Everyone takes advantage of another when they do not know better. When the purpose of a thing is not known, abuse is imminent.

The purpose of someone caring for you is to make you ask yourself a question; do I care for this person also? If the care is not mutual, it is time to let the person go.

If the care is mutual and it is healthy, it is time to interact, discuss and create room to understand each other.

QUESTION 5

“Why is it that women are so full of emotions and men are emotionless?”

Answer 

Everyone has emotions, both men and women. However, women are said to be emotional than men because they are more expressive of their emotions than men are.

Depending on several factors including: personality, self -awareness, personal choices and family background, men tend to express some or no emotions at all. However, with time they do. 

Men need to be taught to have a role model and mentored on how to safely express their emotions, and then they would do it more often.

QUESTION 6: 

“When you have unknowingly led someone on and you realize you have, how do you go about setting the records straight without coming off as rejecting the person? And is it advisable to still keep the friendship? I guess what I am asking is; how do I tell her I just want to be friends when she thinks otherwise?

Answer 

Well the only way to do it is to tell her. Tell her with sincerity and apologize sincerely for the past. However, you need to accept that her response is her choice. She may choose to continue or not to continue to be friends with you and you need to be willing to accept that.

Do you have a question you would like an answer to? Do you need advice on how to go about challenges you are facing in your relationship? Then ask us. You can send it as a message on our Facebook page-LOVE HAPPENS DIARY or you can send a mail to lovehappensinfo@gmail.com. 

Keep loving!!!