DEALING WITH DIFFERENCES 2

Weeks ago, we started looking at the series DEALING WITH DIFFERENCES. We discovered that difference in spending habits could affect a relationship. Though it took me a while to continue this series –for which I apologize- here is another factor that can affect our relationship and/or our home.

LIFE GOALS

Simply put, your life goal(s) is what you want out of life: what you hope to achieve and what you want your life to amount to in the end. If you fast-forward your life to when you are 70, 80 or 90, what do you see? How would you want your life to be then?

Most of you might think that this is pretty straightforward; who wants to spend their life with someone who doesn’t want the same life as they do or one that is closest at the least? I know (for a fact) that there are people in committed relationships with someone who does not share their view and perspective about life and the way they want to live it.

What we are talking about here is not shared hubbies or interests but dreams and desires. Imagine a man whose desire is to support everyone in his community with the resources and opportunities to get a better life. He struggled to get all he acquired today and he hopes that someday he would make it easier for someone else to achieve their dream. This man falls in love with someone who does not believe it is her responsibility to cater for anyone outside her immediate family. She believes all her hard work is an inheritance for her children and anyone else will be just fine if they worked as hard. These two individuals have good philosophies but they should not ideally start a family together unless one of them is willing to give up their dream.

This ‘life goals thing’ is real tricky. It covers how we want to raise our kids, where we want to live, how we want to live out our gray years and sometimes how we want to die and so much more. The challenge is you could want something in your twenties and not want it in your thirties, forties or even seventies. Something could have happened that made you change your perspective. Maybe your dreams were probably unrealistic and life has taught you what you want.  One thing is certain; everyone is allowed to change. So, what do you do if you started a life with someone with the same goal as you and later they changed their mind and preference? That is a tough one and we will get to it later.

WHAT TO DO……? WHAT TO DO……?

Your partner is someone you want with you for life (I hope). When your kids are gone to live their independent lives, when you have retired, when you are old and gray, that person is who you chose to walk through the rest of your life. Imagine how frustrating it will be for you if all you are doing is arguing whether to travel or not to, to start a study group or relocate to the suburbs; this can be easily avoided.

While you are considering a choice of a partner, it is advisable to discuss: what you both want out of life, how you would want to raise your kids (if they want kids in the first place), your dream job (if you do not have it yet), your plan for your retirement years, where you want to live and so on. While you are at it, throw in your plan for the next 5 to 10 years and try to find out what your partner wants too (I use partner because I do not know what label you have put on your relationship, it can be boyfriend, friend, fiancé etc).

It is also likely that you do not know what you might want in 3 decades or more, that’s totally understandable-life is a process of discovery and if you not know it now, you will know it soon or later (there are couple of books that could help you through this journey of self discovery, try to get them). You could decide to wait until you are sure of what you want out of life before you pick a life partner. Or you could come clean (if you are already ‘in love’) and let your partner know that you are on a journey of self-discovery, if you are lucky, he/she would want to go with you on that journey.

Now to the toughie, you are already married to the love of your life except he mostly does not want the same things you want or maybe you both wanted the same things but somehow your spouse has changed. I saw a TV program recently, this couple got married wanting almost the same things--they had a few issues to work out but for the most part, they wanted the same life—they had the same career, they shared a desire to live independent of parental pressure and they wanted a family together. About a year later, they suffered a huge loss-an unborn child. The woman took the loss pretty hard and decided to take up another job outside the city they lived, the husband hated the decision but he supported her anyway because she promised it was part time. Well, part-time became a year and a year became a change in life plan and a divorce suit.

What am I saying? As you would have guessed from the story, anything can change along the way. Now, I am not a fan of divorce, I come from a home where couples make things work. Therefore, I will not ask you to quit your marriage and walk away from your family. Secondly, I do not know you personally, nor am I aware of the difficulties you might be facing in your marriage or family. So, I am not in the best position to tell you what to do or suggest what will work but, I will suggest that you find a counselor or therapist closest to you and sort things out now before it gets out of hand.