DEALING WITH DIFFERENCES

We’ve all read that book or seen that movie; a rich girl falls for a not-so-rich guy, the prince is in love with a slave, a Christian married a Jew or a Muslim, the mobster and the Christian girl………..and the list goes on. If you are a “hopeless romantic” like me, you probably rooted for the lovebirds and cursed on the parents that kept them away because you believed that love should know no boundaries or societal differences or religion or status or whatever, love should conquer all of that and in the movie it does; the girl leaves everything behind, gets disowned by the rich father and moves in with the boy and his parents. 

Hello…. Producer… Director…. Playwright… Whoever made this movie! You forgot to tell us what happens next, happily ever after is too vague, can someone please follow the couple with the camera? What happens now? Does the princess get a job? Is the Christian girl gonna leave her faith? How are they gonna raise their kids in this economy? What happens when tough times come? Hello! Anybody? Nobody huh? Figures! Nobody tells us what happens next.

I am firm believer in love and its ability to overcome the greatest challenges possible, so I am not insinuating that two people from “different worlds” cannot fall in love, get married and have a happy life-they can and you can too! But what happens when love no longer seems enough? What do we do then?

Whenever two individuals come together there will most likely be challenges. This is because they have lived different lives until they met and have developed different habits, preferences, way of life etc.

Differences are beneficial to all relationships; two exactly alike individual may not make a good couple.

Differences can strengthen a relationship when both parties work towards making adjustments, managing and overcoming them. However, some differences are so significant that it may lead to the end of a relationship.

Most relationships fail because partners did not pay enough attention to the potentially challenging situations that could cause irreconcilable differences in the future. They were too in love to pay attention until it became difficult.

Over the next few weeks, we will look at common differences between couples that could evolve and destroy relationships if not properly managed. These factors, are not listed or explained in any particular order. Let’s start with the first one:

MANAGING MONEY

Most couples I know had a hard time talking about money, a simple question like how much do you earn? Can almost break up a dating couple and if this isn’t dealt with before marriage it turns into fights over bills, a new couch and leads to divorce. Yes! Money matters lead to divorce in most cases. Why? Because money is not only material or tangible it is also personal and emotional. People react defensively because money sometimes reflects on the perception of their esteem and self worth.

We hear women say things like ‘my money is my money and my husband’s money is our money’ as funny as this sounds this perspective is carried into the home.

When it comes to dealing with money, we all fall under two major categories either ‘the saver’ or ’the spendthrift’. The saver buys only the things he/she absolutely needs, almost never incurs debt, has a good amount reserved for the future and is not an impulsive buyer. The spendthrift on the other hand is an impulsive buyer, most likely full of debt and acquiring more, has little or nothing saved up for the rainy day. 

Some relationships are a combination of the miser and the spender, others spender and spender and some others, miser and miser. No matter the case it is necessary for money matters to be discussed before marriage so couples can live happy lives. 

Couples often decide to keep their money separately in an attempt to resolve the money conflict; this may also turn out to be a disaster, as it could pull the family apart.

To protect your family and avert the distance that money can create, learn how to talk about money matters. Be open to your partner about your spending style, work towards an agreement on what each will contribute financially, agree on your financial goals and plans for the future. This may sound unlikely but you need to discuss every detail, down to who pays the bills and when, who buys food, who pays fees, what percentage is saved etc. it is also advisable for a couple run a joint account for family purposes if they agree to it.

Next week we would examine another distance factor.