5 THINGS THAT COULD DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP (part 1)

 

1. LIES

 

A lie is a statement contrary to a known fact, told with intent to deceive. People lie for various reasons; some lie because they feel it is safer for their relationship, some others use lies to manipulate their partner and others assume they are protecting their partner from the painful truth when in reality they are protecting themselves. 

Think about it for a moment; think about the last time you lied, why did you do it? You probably thought that if you told your partner the truth they would think of you differently, they might overreact, they might end the relationship and the classic one- they cannot handle the truth. Notice the pattern? All the reasons revolve around you and that is often selfish.

Lies affect trust which is the foundation of any healthy relationship. When a person knows or perceives he/she has been lied to, they find it difficult to believe what is said to them afterwards. Even when they have forgiven the "liar", there are still unresolved questions in their heart and the impression that their partner is a liar and cannot be trusted.

Lies hurt both the teller and the told. If you tell a lie to your partner and they find out they feel hurt and betrayed and wonder why you cannot trust them but, it doesn’t end there. Because they are struggling to trust you, they would act it out even when you are being honest and that would hurt your feelings.

Lies generally fall into two categories, lies of commission and lies of omission. So far we have been discussing lie of commission; which is basically stating something that isn’t true. The most common lie of commission is what we call ‘white lie’. Little fibs we tell to spare our partner’s feelings. Like telling him he looks great in those jeans when he doesn’t or telling her she isn’t putting on weight when she clearly is. Although most people subscribe to white lie, it is still a lie. You can still disclose a painful detail without hurting your partner; if you do so with caution, consideration and sensitivity.

Lie of omission however, is deliberately withholding necessary details or information when telling the truth also known as half-truth. It could also be avoiding a conversation or question because you do not want to lie, using “you did not ask” as a defense. Information withheld could become secrets the longer they are hidden from your partner. A half-truth can be a misrepresentation of a fact; you did not lie, you did not withhold or avoid the truth but you skipped some details. This gives your partner a different perspective of what the truth is and because you know the truth you would not correct the conclusions or misconception they derived from you misinformation.

Lies are a heavy burden for the culprit; an enormous amount of work is put in to preserve the lie and prevent the truth from coming to light. A lie naturally requires more lies to protect its authenticity.

Every relationship would do well if it is built on trust. There cannot be love without trust and lying affects that. Lying implies you don’t trust your partner enough to be open with him/her. This affects openness and vulnerability in a relationship. It takes courage to tell the truth and not everyone has that courage.

When you catch yourself telling a lie correct yourself immediately and apologize to your partner. It is better they feel disappointed by your attempt to lie than hurt and violated by the discovery of the truth.

Lying may have immediate benefits but it’s consequences in the years to come are more dangerous than the truth told today.

SOMEWHERE OUT THERE

To all those spending valentines day alone, be hopeful. this poem is dedicated to you.

photo: from google

Somewhere out there is the man for me

The one I hold in my dreams

Of whom I sing endless psalms and hymns.

My charming prince,

Not on horses, in castles or of a city name

But of riches beyond man's measurable worth.

Somewhere out there is someone,

Who might not be as the pictures I painted

Not as tall as dark or as handsome;

But his eyes so full of light,

His soul, as bright as day

His spirit, mild, as of a dove.

Out there somewhere is he,

Who is not ashamed to view my flaws

And not deterred by my walls

Who knows the beauty of the soul within 

and exalts it beyond the pearls

and adornments to be seen.

Somewhere out there

Is someone who cares;

Who remembers my birth,

Who looks past my silly mirth,

Who brings me a tissue 

And sits with the box through my tears.

Somewhere out there

Is someone who will choose me

and not consider me a hassle 

One who will understand my myriad of rainbow colours

As my vibrant laughter

feeds his soul

Somewhere out there

Is a man with such passion,

Who is not afraid to make a decision.

A man confident in his own skin

And assured of his life's destination.

Somewhere out there

Is the one who sees what I see

And shares in my dreams,

Who understands I am me

And delights in all that I can be.

Somewhere out there

There is surely one

With whom I can feel safe

Who sees me as just adequate

Someone who is content with me alone

With whom I can raise a nation.

Somewhere out there….

Yes, maybe, somewhere is right here

But no matter how long it takes

I still believe,

As it is yet day, 

He will make his way to me.

While I await my someone's arrival

I am content to discover my potential 

For there’s someone out there

Believing for me

For I too, I’m an answer to someone’s plea.

For someone special and great… just like me

WELCOME BACK!

HELLO LHD READERS,

Welcome to LOVE HAPPENS DIARY. We wouldn’t want to start without apologizing for our unexpected silence and assure you that we are doing all we can to ensure that your experience with us this year is pleasant.

Did you know that Love happens diary is one year this month? Which means it is a new season for us and what better time to come back than in the month of love?

At LHD, we are still and always committed to helping you build a lasting loving relationship and we want to be your companion as you navigate through the uncertainties of starting and sustaining a loving relationship.

We officially welcome you to the year 2016 and to a new and better blog. Expect new and exciting things this year on LHD, here’s the first one: LHD is introducing “LOVE TIPS”. These are short words of advice on how to start and improve your loving relationship. Every month has a theme and the theme for this month is, LISTEN. Exciting right? That’s not all, LHD is going on INSTAGRAM. As we said, we are committed to your relationship.

Visit us our blog daily, as well as on facebook, twitter and instagram for more exciting surprises.

HAVE A GREAT 2016.

BEFORE I MET YOU

Before I met you, I was me.

I learned to walk on sinking sand,

To wipe my tears with my own hand,

To speak at the walls until they heard:

I am me and always will be.

When you met me, I was me,

You loved that I was on my feet,

And that I could see above the trees.

You coated your lips with stories of my dreams

Then I believed you’d hold my light

I had wished my throne be on your side

And that my court be set upon the hills,

That you’d lend me a shoulder to see the view

And sing my beauty upon the streets

But with three words you demanded my life

“I love you” put up walls of brass

The gate fortified with your ego and pride

My wings trapped beneath your endless desires.

You had me crucified on your insecurity

I had built my faith on your words of charity

You stumped on my worth and sense of purity

In you, love has found its cold grip.

Before you met me I was me

So now I take back my authority

I feed my soul with courage

To take my pieces from your paws.

Rather than ask that I leave me behind,

Paint a picture that includes my dreams

Let me be the author of my destiny

Then you can stand tall, next to me

DEALING WITH DIFFERENCES 2

Weeks ago, we started looking at the series DEALING WITH DIFFERENCES. We discovered that difference in spending habits could affect a relationship. Though it took me a while to continue this series –for which I apologize- here is another factor that can affect our relationship and/or our home.

LIFE GOALS

Simply put, your life goal(s) is what you want out of life: what you hope to achieve and what you want your life to amount to in the end. If you fast-forward your life to when you are 70, 80 or 90, what do you see? How would you want your life to be then?

Most of you might think that this is pretty straightforward; who wants to spend their life with someone who doesn’t want the same life as they do or one that is closest at the least? I know (for a fact) that there are people in committed relationships with someone who does not share their view and perspective about life and the way they want to live it.

What we are talking about here is not shared hubbies or interests but dreams and desires. Imagine a man whose desire is to support everyone in his community with the resources and opportunities to get a better life. He struggled to get all he acquired today and he hopes that someday he would make it easier for someone else to achieve their dream. This man falls in love with someone who does not believe it is her responsibility to cater for anyone outside her immediate family. She believes all her hard work is an inheritance for her children and anyone else will be just fine if they worked as hard. These two individuals have good philosophies but they should not ideally start a family together unless one of them is willing to give up their dream.

This ‘life goals thing’ is real tricky. It covers how we want to raise our kids, where we want to live, how we want to live out our gray years and sometimes how we want to die and so much more. The challenge is you could want something in your twenties and not want it in your thirties, forties or even seventies. Something could have happened that made you change your perspective. Maybe your dreams were probably unrealistic and life has taught you what you want.  One thing is certain; everyone is allowed to change. So, what do you do if you started a life with someone with the same goal as you and later they changed their mind and preference? That is a tough one and we will get to it later.

WHAT TO DO……? WHAT TO DO……?

Your partner is someone you want with you for life (I hope). When your kids are gone to live their independent lives, when you have retired, when you are old and gray, that person is who you chose to walk through the rest of your life. Imagine how frustrating it will be for you if all you are doing is arguing whether to travel or not to, to start a study group or relocate to the suburbs; this can be easily avoided.

While you are considering a choice of a partner, it is advisable to discuss: what you both want out of life, how you would want to raise your kids (if they want kids in the first place), your dream job (if you do not have it yet), your plan for your retirement years, where you want to live and so on. While you are at it, throw in your plan for the next 5 to 10 years and try to find out what your partner wants too (I use partner because I do not know what label you have put on your relationship, it can be boyfriend, friend, fiancé etc).

It is also likely that you do not know what you might want in 3 decades or more, that’s totally understandable-life is a process of discovery and if you not know it now, you will know it soon or later (there are couple of books that could help you through this journey of self discovery, try to get them). You could decide to wait until you are sure of what you want out of life before you pick a life partner. Or you could come clean (if you are already ‘in love’) and let your partner know that you are on a journey of self-discovery, if you are lucky, he/she would want to go with you on that journey.

Now to the toughie, you are already married to the love of your life except he mostly does not want the same things you want or maybe you both wanted the same things but somehow your spouse has changed. I saw a TV program recently, this couple got married wanting almost the same things--they had a few issues to work out but for the most part, they wanted the same life—they had the same career, they shared a desire to live independent of parental pressure and they wanted a family together. About a year later, they suffered a huge loss-an unborn child. The woman took the loss pretty hard and decided to take up another job outside the city they lived, the husband hated the decision but he supported her anyway because she promised it was part time. Well, part-time became a year and a year became a change in life plan and a divorce suit.

What am I saying? As you would have guessed from the story, anything can change along the way. Now, I am not a fan of divorce, I come from a home where couples make things work. Therefore, I will not ask you to quit your marriage and walk away from your family. Secondly, I do not know you personally, nor am I aware of the difficulties you might be facing in your marriage or family. So, I am not in the best position to tell you what to do or suggest what will work but, I will suggest that you find a counselor or therapist closest to you and sort things out now before it gets out of hand.

LOVE?

I don't know the first thing about love.

I hear to love is to give.

So I asked: What am I to give?

If I gave you all I have acquired;

At the whiff of your endless desires,

But laced every gift with double meaning,

Has my love then been affirmed?

And if I hopelessly gave without intention,

But all my gestures failed in comparison to your expectation,

Is my love then inadequate?

How can I give when I am in need?

And if we all gave who then receives?

I don’t know a lot about loving.

They said love is ever forgiving;

Taking no record of wrong doing 

and seeking no revenge for transgressions.

Then I thought within myself:

Am I to ignore your lack of repentance

And welcome you into my confidence?

And if I forgave you of the hurt

But withhold my acts of kindness and warmth,

Is my love then justified,

What if I forgave you what I could,

But framed the memories of my wounds,

Would it be accounted unto me as love?

What if I loved but never forgave?

I do not really know,

So I ask rather than assume,

And they say,

To love is to share

To cut my portion in half

Mine is yours and yours is mine

To open up my habitation

My sacred world is now our sanctuary

So I began to wonder:

What if I unveiled my yesterday

And you shut the door on our tomorrow?;

The darkness of it’s reality,

Caused you to bury the hopes of our destiny.

What benefit then has sharing?

So many things they say about love;

To love is to be truly trusting,

To be patiently enduring.

They say love is to sacrifice;

Me for you and you for me,

A calling to be less of self.

I am unsure of what it all means,

I was once told love is friendship;

Equals walking in understanding,

A relationship built on loyalty,

Commitment, care and individuality,

Again I need clarity.

They say love is endless and without condition,

It is divine and void of contention

So many things people have to say, 

Oh so many things I wish I knew,

But forever the question remains,

What then is love?

All, a few, or none of these?

Don't ask me,

I only know what they said.

FORGIVE ME

Forgive me for letting my world revolve around you,

For thinking you were different and you would understand.

Forgive me for not seeing you in your true light,

For choosing to believe the outrage of your acts over the whispers of my heart.

Forgive me for dreaming my tomorrow with you firmly in it,

For hoping that the world I see will be a reality for you and me.

Forgive me for wanting to change the world for you,

For willing to go through every battle and war with you.

Forgive me for taking you at your word,

And believing every lie,

For accepting your rainbow of colours,

When all I could see was black and white.

Forgive me for putting you on a pedestal, a place no other man could touch,

And for believing in our tender moments and your soft touch .

Forgive me for believing in the simplicity of your heart,

For accepting your every flaw and knick knacks.

Forgive me for taking this long to see,

Just how very wrong you are for me.

For hoping for a miracle, 

Anything to keep you with me.

Forgive me for holding your dreams in my prayers,

And for delighting in those little glances of reassurance.

Forgive me if I choose not to stay,

To not dwell on the hurts that you have caused.

But I pray thee if you cannot forgive anything else,

Please forgive my heart, for it has strayed

Back to where it should have been…away from you

A poem by:

Love Happens Diary