QUESTIONS PEOPLE ASK

Hello LHD readers,

Lots of people have sent in their question and they would love your help in tackling the little challenges and issues they are presently facing in their relationship. You can add your opinion as a comment under this post, please indicate the question you are responding to. Kindly note that, as always, we keep the names of our readers anonymous unless they request otherwise. 

You ready? Let’s go!

QUESTION 1: 

Dear LHD,

“If the guy you are ‘involved with’ refuses to trust you and doesn’t even let you visit other guys, is it right to continue that kind of relationship?”

Answer

Life is full of people with their own issues. When we are choosing to be or remain in a relationship, it must be because we can both manage to live with each other’s issue. When we cannot, it is necessary to bring to an end the relationship.

If a guy does not trust you, it may be because he has trust issues, or feel insecure about you or your desire to spend time with other guys. Ask yourself, is there a way you conduct yourself around guys that he doesn’t like? Have you had something unpleasant to do with other guys in the past that you told him about and he still remembers? Is he uncomfortable because any of those other guys is interested in you?

If after being truthful to yourself you realize that it has nothing to do with you at all, and it is just him being jealous, high handed over protective self, there are 3 things you can do.

a. Talk to him sincerely about how you feel and give him an opportunity to speak also

b. Give him an opportunity to change without pressure from you.

c. If you have done the above and he hasn’t changed, then it might be time to end the relationship.

QUESTION 2:  

“Is it right to leave a person you love for another person because of money? If this person gives you the money you need to care for yourself, helps your parents financially and is also mature and serious for marriage?”

Answer There are many dilemmas in life and many of the options you face in life are not necessarily pleasant.

Your question has many possible answers.

Is it right to leave a person you love? Well the answer can be yes or no. it is “no” when the person loves you back, then love is built on the right assumption and decision, and you both plan to make the relationship permanent and have the potential to make that happen. However, if that is not the case and the relationship is not defined, and you both are unsure, then you are at liberty to leave upon a mutual agreement.

If it is because of money you are planning to leave, then you may need to pause a bit.

Ask yourself are there other qualities he has that are desirable to you and that you can live with?

 You mentioned he is mature and, serious.  I would like to ask; if he has all these qualities and you can relate with his maturity and seriousness, is it the type of relationship you want; does he have genuine interest in you beyond helping you, does he listen to you and you both have conversations about the future? Or he just sees you as a little girl he is making a wife out of?

If you can relate with him and he with you, and you choose to leave your first relationship then you can start another relationship with him.

QUESTION 3: 

“I have a friend who loved this girl so much that it was too obvious to everyone. He asked the girl but she started taking advantage of him and become demanding. She didn’t say yes or no to his request. What should he do?”

Answer 

Hmm, something is out of place in this picture. The boy loves and cares about the girl, and he is doing everything to convince her to do the same, unfortunately, it isn’t the same for the lady.

Life is full of choices and decisions.  It is evident she isn’t interested yet, but, he is blinded by his desire and affection for her. He needs to make up his mind and stop, but, can he do that?

It is highly immature for the girl to begin to take advantage of the guy’s interest and begin to demand expensive things; it shows that if the relationship starts it may not or will not be built on a foundation that can stand.

QUESTION 4: 

“Girls know when a guy has feelings for them but they take advantage and start demanding. I would like to understand why.”

Answer 

This is similar in some ways to question 3 above. Everyone takes advantage of another when they do not know better. When the purpose of a thing is not known, abuse is imminent.

The purpose of someone caring for you is to make you ask yourself a question; do I care for this person also? If the care is not mutual, it is time to let the person go.

If the care is mutual and it is healthy, it is time to interact, discuss and create room to understand each other.

QUESTION 5

“Why is it that women are so full of emotions and men are emotionless?”

Answer 

Everyone has emotions, both men and women. However, women are said to be emotional than men because they are more expressive of their emotions than men are.

Depending on several factors including: personality, self -awareness, personal choices and family background, men tend to express some or no emotions at all. However, with time they do. 

Men need to be taught to have a role model and mentored on how to safely express their emotions, and then they would do it more often.

QUESTION 6: 

“When you have unknowingly led someone on and you realize you have, how do you go about setting the records straight without coming off as rejecting the person? And is it advisable to still keep the friendship? I guess what I am asking is; how do I tell her I just want to be friends when she thinks otherwise?

Answer 

Well the only way to do it is to tell her. Tell her with sincerity and apologize sincerely for the past. However, you need to accept that her response is her choice. She may choose to continue or not to continue to be friends with you and you need to be willing to accept that.

Do you have a question you would like an answer to? Do you need advice on how to go about challenges you are facing in your relationship? Then ask us. You can send it as a message on our Facebook page-LOVE HAPPENS DIARY or you can send a mail to lovehappensinfo@gmail.com. 

Keep loving!!!

DEALING WITH DIFFERENCES

We’ve all read that book or seen that movie; a rich girl falls for a not-so-rich guy, the prince is in love with a slave, a Christian married a Jew or a Muslim, the mobster and the Christian girl………..and the list goes on. If you are a “hopeless romantic” like me, you probably rooted for the lovebirds and cursed on the parents that kept them away because you believed that love should know no boundaries or societal differences or religion or status or whatever, love should conquer all of that and in the movie it does; the girl leaves everything behind, gets disowned by the rich father and moves in with the boy and his parents. 

Hello…. Producer… Director…. Playwright… Whoever made this movie! You forgot to tell us what happens next, happily ever after is too vague, can someone please follow the couple with the camera? What happens now? Does the princess get a job? Is the Christian girl gonna leave her faith? How are they gonna raise their kids in this economy? What happens when tough times come? Hello! Anybody? Nobody huh? Figures! Nobody tells us what happens next.

I am firm believer in love and its ability to overcome the greatest challenges possible, so I am not insinuating that two people from “different worlds” cannot fall in love, get married and have a happy life-they can and you can too! But what happens when love no longer seems enough? What do we do then?

Whenever two individuals come together there will most likely be challenges. This is because they have lived different lives until they met and have developed different habits, preferences, way of life etc.

Differences are beneficial to all relationships; two exactly alike individual may not make a good couple.

Differences can strengthen a relationship when both parties work towards making adjustments, managing and overcoming them. However, some differences are so significant that it may lead to the end of a relationship.

Most relationships fail because partners did not pay enough attention to the potentially challenging situations that could cause irreconcilable differences in the future. They were too in love to pay attention until it became difficult.

Over the next few weeks, we will look at common differences between couples that could evolve and destroy relationships if not properly managed. These factors, are not listed or explained in any particular order. Let’s start with the first one:

MANAGING MONEY

Most couples I know had a hard time talking about money, a simple question like how much do you earn? Can almost break up a dating couple and if this isn’t dealt with before marriage it turns into fights over bills, a new couch and leads to divorce. Yes! Money matters lead to divorce in most cases. Why? Because money is not only material or tangible it is also personal and emotional. People react defensively because money sometimes reflects on the perception of their esteem and self worth.

We hear women say things like ‘my money is my money and my husband’s money is our money’ as funny as this sounds this perspective is carried into the home.

When it comes to dealing with money, we all fall under two major categories either ‘the saver’ or ’the spendthrift’. The saver buys only the things he/she absolutely needs, almost never incurs debt, has a good amount reserved for the future and is not an impulsive buyer. The spendthrift on the other hand is an impulsive buyer, most likely full of debt and acquiring more, has little or nothing saved up for the rainy day. 

Some relationships are a combination of the miser and the spender, others spender and spender and some others, miser and miser. No matter the case it is necessary for money matters to be discussed before marriage so couples can live happy lives. 

Couples often decide to keep their money separately in an attempt to resolve the money conflict; this may also turn out to be a disaster, as it could pull the family apart.

To protect your family and avert the distance that money can create, learn how to talk about money matters. Be open to your partner about your spending style, work towards an agreement on what each will contribute financially, agree on your financial goals and plans for the future. This may sound unlikely but you need to discuss every detail, down to who pays the bills and when, who buys food, who pays fees, what percentage is saved etc. it is also advisable for a couple run a joint account for family purposes if they agree to it.

Next week we would examine another distance factor.

RELATIONSHIP CHICKEN

Have you ever been in a relationship you knew had run its course but you were waiting on the other person to leave first? Or maybe you both knew it was time to quit but you just kept postponing it?

I remember a couple who had been together 9yrs, both had made up their minds that this relationship was never gonna work, they knew they didn’t want to spend their lives with the other person (and this wasn’t because the other person was mean, it just wasn’t right) they kept dropping hints for a whole year hoping the other person will get the hint and leave. It’s been a year now and they haven’t officially broken things off, how interesting.

If you think that story wasn’t clear enough, here’s another;

A close friend has been on an off-again-on-again relationship with her high school sweetheart, for most of their relationship they were apart so they learnt to lead separate lives. The girl feels she’s a different person from when they met and she needs to leave the relationship but she feels she will hurt the boy’s feelings so, what does she do? She starts to provoke him and upset him intentionally just to get him to leave first; there’s nothing she hasn’t done, but the guy hasn’t left her yet.


There are so many examples and scenarios I could share with you but it is the same outcome, these couples are playing “Relationship Chicken” have you heard of that before? Well, I have and it even has a definition just click here to find out what urban dictionary says about it.
But here’s mine

“When a relationship has no future or next step and should ideally end but, the parties involved refuses to end it sincerely but rather resort to games and pranks to manipulate the other party to end the relationship, this couple is playing RELATIONSHIP CHICKEN.”

This kind of relationship is displayed in movies alot; my favorite is the TV series 'How i met you mother'.

WHY PEOPLE PLAY CHICKEN

I have discerned and inferred by watching relationships around me and mine (yes I said it, I played chicken) that there are five reasons why people play “chicken”

1. Consideration: when only one party wants to leave they may hesitate out of considerations for the other person’s feelings.

2. Fear: No one likes to start afresh, leaving the known for the unknown can be scary. Holding on is safe because it means you’re not alone.

3. Emotions: Because the relationship has run its course doesn’t mean you have stopped loving each other (if you were actually in love). The pain of letting go could also cause a couple to chicken-out, but it is not enough reason to stay.

4. No other option: Some wait for the next guy or girl to come along before they can leave; they don’t wanna leave one for nothing. People you aren’t changing a tires, you don’t have to wait for next person to come along.

5. Pride: I hear people say “I can’t be the one to break it off” or “I don’t wanna be the bad guy”. This is pride because the only reason for holding on is to preserve your image or in some cases to prove a point.

THE CHICKEN IS THE YARD
How do you know you are playing chicken?

1. There is no plan for the future: the focus is on leaving the relationship and not living their lives together. This couple is just going with motions.

2. Friendship is lost: you no longer spend much time together or talk to each other about little things, even making lunch plans could feel like a burden.

3. Communication is broken: conversation lacks substance, calls are sparing. This couple could go silent for weeks or months.

4. Unhappiness and frustration: no one is happy, no enthusiasm or excitement, both parties feel stuck, they can’t get out, can’t move forward or progress, they get annoyed by everything the other person says and if this goes on, frustration is bound to creep in.

5. Games and hurt: you begin hurt each other. You come up with creative ways to make the other person leave you.

Couples who play relationship chicken might feel that they are brilliant or that they are being smart but this is not true; the chicken game never ends pleasantly. Though the couple will get what they want eventually (a break up) it will come at a cost. The ‘chicken couple’ would probably never speak to each other again and they would have wasted so much time and this will make starting over with someone else harder than it would have been, so here’s my advice;

KILL THE CHICKEN

1. Have an honest conversation with your partner. This is hard but it’s the only way, really. Don’t look for reasons to leave; you might keep waiting forever. No matter what your partner says make sure you make your point about leaving and if you do…

2. Don’t just talk, end it for real! That’s right, don’t get too emotional that you makeup and continue the chicken game.

P.S.
After you’ve killed the chicken, you can now make chicken soup……… LOL

READY FOR LOVE?

We keep waiting for love to happen to us. We go through daily life dreaming of love; when are we going to meet the ‘one’? What is it going to feel like and so on, but all we are doing is waiting and fantasizing (because a dream without action is a fantasy). We have become snow white; bound by love spells but waiting still for love (but even snow white had little helpers).
We wait for love to come and sometimes it does, but we miss it or let it pass us by because we weren’t ready.
Love doesn’t come only because we thought about it, or waited for it. It comes to those who prepared for it. Nothing just happens. So what do we do so we can be adequately prepared for love? Here are 5 suggestions.

1- CLEAN YOUR CLOSET:
What are you holding to? What is in your possession or life that shouldn’t be? It is time to clean up! Deal with those residual feelings for the ex, the hurt from a past relationship or childhood, let all that messy stuff go. You can’t be ready for a new start until you can release the old.

2- SAY HELLO TO YOU: While waiting for love, or rather preparing for it, it is a good time to get to know yourself better, spend time with yourself, take a step back from all the drama, and be you. Here is a tip that could help you discover yourself during this period.

3- GET REAL:
Ditch the high end expectation and fantasy, and identify really what qualities you need in a man, not the qualities that look good to have, what your friends have, or what you saw on TV, but what best suits your personality.

4- BE OPEN-MINDED:
Don’t give love a colour, size and shape. You may have imagined him tall but he may not be (don’t get offended, it’s true). If we limit ourselves, we judge too quickly, we don’t look beyond the cover of the book, because he doesn’t look like it doesn’t mean he isn’t it. Take a chance on people, give them the benefit of the doubt, and you might be surprised at how well they would do.

5- DRAW THE LINE:
Be open-minded but don’t also let everything come in. Since you now know who you are and what you want, identify what you don’t want. What are your boundaries? Where does the line start, where does it end? You have to know when to say NO! And when to say YES! Not everything is for you and not everyone was made for you.

6- DIVORCE DESPERATION:
I know you are looking or searching for love, but ladies and gentlemen, take it down a notch. Nobody wants to hear ‘I love you’ on the first date guys. Desperation has a stench, a very repulsive one. Rather than attract people, you repel them. Don’t be too eager and impatient because then you will end up with what looks like love. Time is on your side. It’s never too late to find love no matter how old you are.


Sometimes, we are not willing to make adjustments especially when it comes to love because we find it hard to admit that we might be the one who needs change. If we adjust our lifestyle, we do it for our benefit first and only when we change, we grow and we live happier lives.

LOVE AND SACRIFICE

Every loving relationship has its costs; love isn’t love if it costs nothing! Love cost time, money, devotion, commitment and sometimes it cost us other love. Being in love is a decision to continually give up mine for ours and me for us, to put the needs of the relationship above yours___trust me, that’s a sacrifice!

What is the biggest decision you have ever made for love? Have you ever lost anything for love’s sake? What lengths are you willing to go for your relationship to thrive? What is the one thing you can’t do for love? Hmm… I wonder.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT SACRIFICING?

To sacrifice is to make a decision to release, to give away or to hand over something priced, valued, expensive or bearing deep sentimental worth for the sake of something more worthy or precious. Sacrificing is never easy, it can be the difficult to accept but it is inevitable. Sacrificing in a relationship is unending.

Sacrifices can be a product of love and should be done from the place of love and devotion.

Sacrifices should be made for a cause rather than a person. When the focus of the sacrifice is about the other person we put too much pressure on them (to recognize, to appreciate and to reciprocate when we want, how we want and the way we want), we hang it over their heads forever, we remind them of the cost of the sacrifice; what we gave up, who we left behind and where should have been. This can become unbearable for anyone and can cause a rift in the relationship. A good cause to sacrifice could be to help your relationship thrive.

Sacrifice is a discovery; each person’s action reflects his level of discovery. A sacrifice may not guarantee a successful outcome in your relationship.

HOW FAR ARE YOU WILLING TO GO?

Will you do anything for love? Sure we can sing about it, write it in a love note and even say it often but, when the time comes for us to live up to it many of us shrink--- we begin to redefine the word "anything".

‘Anything’ suggests that the cost and timing of the sacrifice makes no difference. As much as I applaud the courage, I also believe that everyone has a limit; a point they can't exceed or a price they consider too steep.
For example; one may feel that giving a kidney is a little price another may not, changing a career for the one you love could seem normal to one and absurd to another.

The sacrifice is ultimately your choice!

Nobody can ideally tell you what you can or cannot sacrifice or where you should draw the line because it is and will always be your decision to make. Your sacrificial limit is self-determined; it depends on preference, personality and the dynamics of the said relationship. Identifying your limit can help you build a wholesome relationship.

THE BEAUTY OF REVENGE

We have heard sermons, read online posts, participated in discussions and conversations about the subject of forgiveness and Revenge.
We have been told that the better road is forgiveness.

The world would be a better place if we all forgave

, they say.

We have heard it all, but, we are still yet to imbibe the culture of forgiveness. Why? Because we do not want to forgive!
As diabolical as that may sound, it is absolutely true. Not everyone is willing to forgive.

When some of us are hurt, we hold on to the anger, we nurse the pain, we fertilize the displeasure until it produces seeds of bitterness, un-forgiveness, and hatred. We don’t want to forget the pain and how it felt. Because if we do, then ‘’justice’’ (as we call it) would not prevail. We want to resent the person who hurt us until we can give them a taste of what they did and how they made us feel.

Yes, we want REVENGE!!

So, how about we put a break in this ‘’forgiveness’’ talk and take a look at revenge for a second.

To revenge is simply to retaliate or payback.
Revenge is personal. It is not about justice, but evening scores. Revenge has no line, no rules; it drives you to hurt the person until you feel satisfied or until you are satisfied by their suffering.
Revenge doesn’t only imply physical hurt or visible damage, it could be psychological, or emotional torture.


IF FORGIVENESS IS OVER-RATED, TRY REVENGE

Irrespective of the perspective of the world about revenge, there are reasons why people want it and desire it.
 Revenge gives you the pleasure of seeing the other person suffer for what they have done. This satisfaction is tempting and it is what we seek first when we are hurt.
 Revenge proves to the person who hurt you, that you are powerful and not to be trifled (played) with.
 In some cases, revenge gives you a cause and a sense of purpose especially when the revenge is not immediate but plotted in advance.
 It gives the illusion of power over the person. You feel like you know how to get them, you are waiting for when to get them, you will come at them when they least expect it.
 Revenge is easier. Honestly, revenge costs less in the immediate. It is easier to pay-back; it is not as time consuming because it is a natural response.
 When you have finally revenged, it feels like a weight has been lifted off your shoulder.


WHAT YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT REVENGE
 Though, it is cheaper in the immediate, it is destructive in the end.

 The time spent in plotting revenge steals the future from you.
While you are chasing the fulfillment of your purpose of revenge, you are probably over looking what happens after it is done.

 Revenge is a part of your character
If you are a person that seeks revenge, it is not because you were hurt, but because it has always been who you are. You retaliate even for little things. Someone hits you, and you hit back, someone talks behind your back and you do the same. It did not happen in a day; you meditated upon it, until it became you.

 You hurt people also
We are humans and that means we are not infallible. You will hurt or offend someone else and they would seek revenge for their pain too. It is the law of nature. What you sow, you will SURELY reap.

 Revenge is a jail house
All the while, you had been a prisoner of hurt, pain, anger, and bitterness and the funny thing is that you are the jailer. Un-forgiveness keeps you unhappy.
You are the only one remembering, plotting, and re-living the pain and the other person is living their lives free. You are burdened, he/she is not.
Sometimes, the offender doesn’t even remember what he or she has done anyway, isn’t it sad? Meanwhile, you are stuck in the rage; you can’t see the sun, incarcerated, no freedom, no home - an outcast.

 Revenge is never as good as you imagined.
It amazes me when I see movies of someone who sought revenge and was free, happy, and fulfilled in the end. That is a huge lie!
There’s a feeling you get once you have done what you dreamed. It can be likened to a mirage, it feels like you are fulfilled, but truly you aren’t. At first a burden is lifted or so you think. Shortly, you’ll feel empty inside. You’d mostly like say “I thought I would feel much better’’ but I don’t. You got what you wanted, so why aren’t you happy and fulfilled?

 Revenge is not justice.
Justice implies the person was punished to the lawful proportion of the crime, but that never happens with revenge. Revenge is personal and emotional and these are factors that affect rationalism and good judgment. When seeking revenge, you will surely cross the ‘’just’’ line, this is because it is based on your satisfaction.

 Revenge has its consequences. No one can take law into their hands and come out of it unhurt.


REVENGE OR NOT?
This is a decision for you to make. Revenge is enticing but destructive. The opposite however is difficult but fulfilling and redeeming.
When you choose to forgive, you choose not to give your power away. You choose to reclaim the power that someone has over you.
At the end of the day, revenge is not the best or only solution; it is the weakest and easiest way to go.
Forgiveness however difficult is a walk for the strong.

WHEN LOVE GOES WRONG........JUSTIN SPEAKS

Hello LHD readers,
There are two sides to every love story. Last month Janet shared her sad love story with us(click here if you missed it) and we promised to get the other side of the story before we can offer our advice well....We finally got a hold of Justin and he was gracious enough to share his side of the story with us. Read his story below.



I believe in Love and the ability to show love to the people around me. I took notice of Janet a few months after school resumed in March. I was in my 400 level 1st semester when we met. At first, I didn’t think that there was anything special about her, but after we exchanged phone numbers and began communicating via Whatsapp, I discovered she was a gentle, loving and easy to please person. She laughed a lot, she was always happy especially when I did her favours. After a while, I decided to ask her to be my girlfriend; at that point with a smile, she accepted.
\
Getting into a relationship got us closer; my friends knew her and she knew all my friends. We also began to know a lot of things about each other. She told me how her ex-boyfriend used to hit her and, I also told her I used to have lots of girlfriends and that I still have some of them as friends. All I wanted to do was focus on my academics.

Janet knew I have more female friends than male friends and I thought she was cool with it. I help some of them out with school work and naturally care for them. I get along better with girls than with guys. I believe I am one of the best students in my department so other students come to me for help including girls.

After a while, I noticed a change in Janet’s attitude. She was always checking my phone and reading my chats. She began asking lots of questions about every girl she found around me which sometimes pissed me off. So many times, this caused an argument between us. She also developed a habit of giving me what I call ‘long speeches’ on how the other girls’ aim was to destroy our relationship, looking for something negative to say about them.

I got tired of her nagging and her demanding attitude that I began to lie to her. I tried talking to my guy friends but all they did was tease me; so, I found comfort in the arms of my other female friends that were less demanding. I continued to lie to Janet about my whereabouts. She noticed and began paying surprise visits to my place. On one of such occasion, she found me in bed with one of her classmates. She got angry and I didn’t waste time apologizing to her. I did everything to make her happy and in no time, she forgave me and our relationship continued.

Her wanting-to-know-all attitude got worse. She began to insist on following me wherever I went, I practically had no breathing space and I began to loose interest in her gradually because she was now more of a pain in the neck.
One night, she called to tell me she would be going to sleep over at a friend’s place because she had malaria and needed care. I wished her a good night and promised to check on her the following morning. I was home trying to help a female classmate of mine with a tedious school assignment that dragged on into late night. Because it was too late for her to go home, I advised her to spend the night at my place. At about 11:35 pm, I heard a knock on my door and to my utmost amazement, it was Janet. She came in and found the girl fast asleep. Janet lost control of her emotions; she hit me, called me a coward and ran out of the house into the full moon light outside. I ran after her and immediately grabbed her arm. She wept and kept saying, ‘But Justin I love you, why are you doing this to me?’ At that moment, I got confused about what love really meant.

I felt since things were not going to change any time soon, I should just let her be and so because I didn’t want to hurt her because I knew she loves me, I asked her to see other guys maybe she would release her tight grip on me.

I see nothing wrong with the idea.